Starry Starry Night

I wrote this on 11 November 2006

It is about understanding the greatness of God and His personal love for us

Isaiah 40: 25-26:
"To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.
Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

Last month our oldest son Nic took a trip into the Sinai Desert to climb Mt Sinai. He camped at the top to watch the sunrise from Mt Sinai. When I asked Nic about the trip he said he was amazed by the night sky. The number of stars, the magnificence of the Milky Way galaxy, and all the shooting stars he saw. He was amazed at the number of stars he could see in the desert sky compared to the stars visible in Cairo sky.

As I thought about Nic's experience I thought of Isaiah 40:25-26. I thought of how Isaiah tells us to look at the heavens and see God. I thought of how God met Mosses on Mt Sinai. I thought of how Nic saw God from Mt Sinai. I thought of how Nic saw so many stars in the desert compared to the city sky. And it hit me, the stars did not become brighter or change in any way, the man made lights were removed.

I thought of how the bright lights of our cities block the magnificence of the starry nights.
I thought of how the bright lights of our life, whether it be our job, our accomplishments, our material wealth, even our blessings, can shine so bright we can’t see the magnificence of our God.
I thought of how God leads us at times to a desert in order for us to see the His magnificence.
I thought that just because we can’t see the stars, doesn’t mean they are not there. The stars continue to hang in the night sky, shouting out the name of the creator.
I thought when God calls us He does not shout above the noise in our life.
I thought of how we hear the voice of God so clearly when we are in a trial, when difficulty quiets our life. Like the hearing test I take every year, you have to sit in a sound proof booth to hear those insidious beeps. Sometimes a trial is nothing more then a sound proof booth to block out the noise of our life.
I thought of all the noises and lights in my life that blocked me from knowing God. Work, money, status/rank, personal comfort and self-satisfaction, even my relationship with Andrea, all expertly cloaked in the idea that I deserve them. Until my blessings from God become my god. And slowly God’s voice is drowned out, slowly the magnificence of the heavens no longer shine above the artificial lights of my life.

I thought of how cancer has turned off every light of my own making, turned down the volume of all my self-created noise.
I thought of how magnificent the stars shine in the darkness of this desert.
I thought of how clear I hear God in the silence of this trial.
I thought how many times had I missed God because of the busyness of my life. We tend to see someone in a trial and think about the priorities of our own life and we may even vow to change, but unless we turn off the lights, or get away from the bright lights of mans accomplishments in this modern world, we will fail to see the God we serve. God can do all things, but he will not get in a shouting contest with our misplaced priorities. He knows that when we come to Him in silence, we are ready to listen.
I thought God never shines brighter than in the darkness of a trial.

I thought Nic would have never seen the beauty of that starry sky without looking up.
I thought when we are in the darkest time of a trial; unless we turn our eyes upward we will miss the greatness of our God.
I thought the darker the trial, the deeper we go into the desert, the further we get away from the city lights the more magnificent the night sky, the more of God we see.
I thought He is always there, always shinning in His fullness.

Andrea has always loved to see the heavens. Every time there was an astrological event, either a meteor shower in Alamogordo, the northern lights in Alaska, or comet passing by the earth in North Carolina, she would wake us all up make hot chocolate, gather the blankets and drive until the city lights faded and the sky reveled its beauty. A beauty that was always there, every night every star shines. And we would lay on our backs either on the ground of the White sand desert, or the hood of the car, wrapped in blankets in the cold Alaska night, and wonder at the greatness of the sky. Immediately you seem very small, and things of this life seemed very insignificant in comparison to the play acted out before us in the night sky. I hate that I tend to forget the wonder of what I saw, and allow the busyness of this world to block out the magnificent display that goes on every day.

Over time I have learned to appreciate the darkness of this trial and the closeness I feel with God. Not that I want to or could stay in the dark times. I do not mean to belittle how hard and difficult it has been at times, and there comes a time when I needed the sun to rise and the season to change. But I have been comforted when the days are so hard, and I'm fighting back grief and sadness. Grief that my best friend is so sick. Sadness to see someone you love suffer daily.

Loosing a spouse is never easy, the moment of separating what God has joined into one flesh cannot and really should not be easy and without grief. But cancer adds the dimension of suffering along the way. And that is hard.

I'm Comforted today and everyday I'm reminded I serve the creator of the heavens. How magnificent is He to have hung the stars? Can we even write the words that could capture all He is? I do not have the ability to form the alphabet into words to capture the greatness of God. I can not nor can my mind begin to understand all God is. All I can say is He is indescribable. On the other side of His greatness and majesty is his personal love for us as if you and I are the only ones He created. How individual is He to hear my prayers and care about my struggles. How great is His love to meet me when I cry out? To reach out to me on the darkest of nights and whisper,

"Look up and see all I can do. Look up and see how small cancer is to me."

Faith to Know

I wrote this on 15 Jan 07

And it is about faith

One of the aspects of Andrea having cancer has been the struggle between hoping for and knowing God could cure her, and finally that God would cure her.

In the past I felt I was being tossed back and forth between believing God would heal Andrea and the idea that it may be God's will for her to die. Can I ask and believe for healing when I know He is sovereign and in control? Andrea’s doctor first told us he hoped to sustain her and manage the cancer until a cure was found. I have struggled with days of great hope and days of fear and sadness. I know God can heal but will he? What triggers His healing? Is there something I need to do? Is there a prayer I have missed or a sin I have not confessed? I don't think I could not prayer any harder. Yet we still fight this cancer, and it still pursues us relentlessly. Why does she have to have chemo again? Why is she sick again? Is there a purpose in loosing her hair a third time? We grow tired just being sick. But this past week when Andrea was in the ICU God told me just have faith in Him, not a result. “Have faith that I love you. Trust me; I am God your creator. Stop linking your faith to your joy.” Faith is not conditional.

I had to stop thinking God loves me when I get what I want from my prayers, and stop getting confused and when it does not go the way I thought it would or should have gone. My faith is in God, the God that I have served and the God I know. He is still there in spite of this cancer and the continuing trail. He is not defined by my circumstances, He is just God, and He loves Andrea more then I do. I am still thinking this through and trying to understand it all. I thought of James 1:5-7
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord;

That is what I felt like, like I was being tossed around in my faith, back and forth based on a doctor’s report or how Andrea felt. It had to end because I was exhausted and confusing myself. There is a great freedom in releasing this to God and just trusting Him, not for an outcome but just trusting Him. Having faith in Him and who He is by reading the bible and knowing and learning more about the God we serve. He is unchanging and His love in unfailing. I have to stop and think when my praises flowing from a thought of healing and just let my praises flow from me to my God. Not attached to anything other then I was lost and now I’m saved. I knew somehow this all fits, He can not contradict Himself. He is not good or bad based on what I get. I will have joy and grief but that does not motivate or de-motivate my faith and praise.

I could wish we never had to deal with this and our life was like those around us who go on about there daily lives "normally." But I'm thankful my faith has grown in ways not possible in a "normal" life. At times I feel sorry for those who have not experienced such an intense trial or God in this way. I was one of them. The things I am learning are eternal. What has true value is not of this world. I want to stand before Christ and have Him say "Well done good and faithful servant,” well done with what I was given, with the talents He gave me, with the time He gave me with the suffering we endured. I believe we have the strongest witness in suffering because our strength is supernatural, it in not from man, it is not from my will power, or internal strength. It is not guts or toughness but weakness displaying God’s strength, and He deserves the praise. And that is what makes it such a powerful witness. I see this as an opportunity to witness for Christ. Not that I would have asked for this or chosen it. I want my life to be lived as a reflection of the greatest gift of all, salvation. I told Andrea all we are fighting for is a few more years on earth, and this life will end, we will face death again. If we are given a reprieve it will only be temporally. And when we are together again in eternity, any time apart will be a like a second to us, as if we are looking back to a minute of life when we were 20 yrs old. We will hardly remember any sadness the moment we leave these fleshly bodies and we are with the Lord. We won't look back with any sadness. I know this life will not be easy, but we have a source of strength that comes from knowing we are serving our savior who also had to face His own trial to bring us salvation. It is real and it is powerful. Life will not be easy but we are no longer slaves to sin, we are no longer defeated. I know that if Andrea is taken to be with the Lord I will grieve. God made us one flesh from two and there is pain in separation and I still feel that grief come over me when I see her so sick. But I can not let it affect my faith in God and who he is. He still loves me, and Andrea. I just need to trust Him and keep my faith in Him. It is not easy, it is not a one time decision and I'm done, I won't learn it one time and have it for life. But it is true. I don't get caught up in, "Did God cause this cancer, or is it sin or punishment." The reason does not matter as much as my response to it. I know God will teach me and lead me through this if I listen. And I may not like the path I'm on or would have never chosen it myself but I know He is with me. Satan attacks us in many ways and tries to steal from us, but he can not take from us the security of our salvation or internal strength.

I have found it helps to find a quite place to just pray and listen, even when I don't feel like praying, when I'm too tired to speak.

I’m learning to have faith, not faith in getting what I want or an outcome, but faith in knowing the God I serve loves me and is with me. I had to have faith in God.
Have faith that God loves us
Have faith that Jesus died for us
Have faith that He sits at the Fathers right hand
Have faith that through His shed blood we have forgiveness of sins
Have faith that we will live forever with Him
Have faith that the same god who sustained David for 15 yrs of running from Saul is with us
Have faith that the same God who was with Joseph in the well is with us
Have faith that the God that sustained Paul in prison is with us
Have faith that the same power that raised Christ from the grave is in us
Have faith that the Holy Spirit who is one with the father is in us
Have faith that we have all the rights as a son and daughter of God
Have faith that we will be with Him one day
Have faith that He is with us in this pain, by our side, giving His angles charge over us
Have faith that He created the heavens
Have faith that none of this is a surprise to Him
Have faith that He has a plan for us
Have faith that Christ feels our pain and understands
Have faith that God is in control
Have faith that no one loves us more then God

Christ Like

Do I have the faith when God demands my all?

I wrote this is April 2004.

I have thought a lot about my walk with Christ. What does it mean to be Christ like? What is it I am supposed to do with Christ? As I came to understand the gift of salvation I was faced with the question what now. Am I to earn this gift? Am I to pay back this gift? Works are a result of our salvation they are not the means to our salvation. I know there was nothing I did to receive salvation and a simple thank you seems inadequate. So what does being Christ like mean? To me it means following Him wherever He leads not just where I want to go. To be like Christ is to ultimately lay my life down, maybe not physically but spiritually, maybe both. It is knowing who God says He is and knowing He can do all He says He can do. It is trusting Him no matter what happens. Can you trust Him if your worst fear comes true? Can you trust Him if your prayer is not answered how you had it planned? Can you trust Him? Can you trust Him enough to pray a specific prayer? Or are you too scared He might not be real? Do you doubt just a little in the back of your mind that you can’t let go? Do you trust Him? Do you trust in who you believe Him to be? Did He create you? Did he number the stars and call them all by name? Does He know your words before they are formed on your tongue? Did He send His son in a virgin birth? Did He raise Him from the dead? Was Christ the fulfillment of our sin debt? Do you believe Him? Do you trust Him? Is there something I’m unwilling to do for God? Is there something I just draw the line on, and say no? If so I have not fully comprehended the gift I have been given and I’m looking through the eyes of the physical, when I’m born again in the spiritual. As the bible says we are no longer citizens of this world, our treasures are in heaven.

If I believe that, then I must be ready to be Christ like, to follow a God who loved me and bought me with a price, a very high price.

Do I believe enough to say “Lord, not my will but yours will be done.” That to me is a sign of my spiritual growth and faith. After dealing with death on a daily basis for over 18 months I have changed. I know that God can heal Andrea; there is no doubt in my mind that the God I serve the God of the bible has the power authority and ability to heal. He has the ability to do anything He pleases because He created it all. For many reasons I believe God will heal Andrea. Though at times I do fight of doubt, as the pain, CT scans, tell me otherwise, and the chemo continues but my belief that He can heal does not waiver. My faith is not perfect, for it is in an imperfect body. But I can say if God chooses to not heal Andrea I will not doubt my God. I will not bow down to unbelief. Because if the God I serve has the ability to heal and chooses not to it is what is best. It has to be. Death is as perfect an answer to prayer as healing when you turn it over to God. Who am I to judge God as good or bad based on my expected outcome? Is God only just and loving when it turns out my way, when I get what I want? Why do we only give testimonies in church and to friends when the prayer is answered the way we want? Are we too afraid to praise God no matter the outcome? Not that we have to praise God for trials, but we can praise Him for His faithfulness in the trial, and we should always praise Him IN our trial. He does not make mistakes; His hands are not tied by this physical word. He is not powerless and unable to do as He pleases. Our life is about more then comfort. Do we choose what we want to believe? Do we believe in a God who can part the Red Sea, drop the walls of Jericho, slay a giant with the stone from a Shepherd boy, but some how can’t answer our prayer, because it does not turn out right? Are we so like the Israelites who walked on dry land thought the Red Sea and quickly turned and cried out to God that they were going to starve in the desert? And when God provided manna, are we so like the Israelites when they then cried out to God for a lack of water? And God gave water from the stone, are we so willing to accept freedom from slavery and so quick to turn from God when life gets difficult? Where is the faith? Has God suddenly lost control? Did we receive freedom from slavery; did we receive salvation so we could have an easy life filled with rewards while those who don’t accept Christ suffer all the hardships of life? Really did Christ die so we would no longer face the trials of this world? Is it all about you and me? Is our reward here on earth? Is all Christ did for the here and now? Do I have a contract with God that says life won’t be difficult? When Andrea was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer did I have the right to run to God and say, “This is not in our agreement? You have broken the rules. What about the unsaved, why don’t they have terminal cancer?” The bible says the rain falls on the good and the wicked. Blessings fall on the saved and unsaved that is just part of life here. Just as droughts fall on the good and the wicked. Did I think that somehow I was promised to only have a certain level of difficulty, as if I had done a certain level of good deeds that guaranteed me that my trials would be correspondingly easier? Is there a buy down program with God where we stack up good on one side and it takes away the depth of difficulty we will face? Are we that afraid of trials? Are we that afraid of facing difficulties? Are we just afraid our faith is not strong enough? Or are we afraid that our God is not big enough? Or worse that our God is not real?

As hard as life can be it only magnifies the greatness of God. When we trust in a time we don’t understand we exercise our faith. We put into practice the things we learn about God in the good times. And we allow God to be God, to be as great and wonderful as He is. The more we trust, the more He reveals about Himself. And the more He reveals the more we learn of His greatness, and the stronger we become. Then trials that seemed impossible are reduced because we see them in comparison to our God. And really everything is small in comparison to the creator. We just have to believe, to trust, and too have faith, no matter what we see. There are many tests of faith, many opportunities in our life to use the gifts we have been given, many opportunities to exercise our faith, to put into action the words we speak. Every one of those opportunities are a chance to grow into deeper faith, a deeper understanding of the God we serve, a deeper understanding of why we have received such a gift as salvation.
It is not the existence of trials that sets a believer apart, it is how a believer reacts to trials that separate a believer from someone who is lost.

So my desire is to be willing to be Christ like, to go where He leads, to live where He says to live, to serve how He says to serve. It is easy to say I want to be Christ like, right up to the point where I have to stretch out my arms. Only then do I see if my actions match my faith and my words. Will I suffer for Him? Will I die for Him? Will I speak to that stranger for Him? Will I help that person for Him? Will I give up my free time that “I deserve” to study His word? Will I get up early to meet with Him? Will I overcome what others might think of me to serve Him? Everyday by these and countless other ways I’m challenged to believe and surrender myself to God. To stretch out my arms and say yes, I want to be Christ like. For no other reason than I know He first did this for me. He did not put any conditions on His death. There was no fine print. There was only pure love for mankind. A love I will one day stand before.