It has been a crazy
week, even by our standards. As hard as it is to believe it was the 10th
anniversary of Troy's passing on Nov 27th and I started my annual reading of
the blog posts I wrote during Andrea's stay in the ICU and her last 21 days on
earth.
On top of that, Time
magazine's article came out about the return of Troy's remains as well as an
article in Texas Tech Today. So our past has been at the forefront of our lives
even more than usual and that always makes for harder days. But it also
highlights the blessings we have been given.
This is a link to the
Time Magazine Article:
An American Hero Comes
Home, at Last
A decade-long quest ends
with pilot's third burial at Arlington
Link to the Texas R|Tech
Article:
Here are my and Ginger's
Facebook posts form this morning.
Ginger's:
I feel I am going to
need to post some jokes or something really light-hearted soon. I promise those
days are just around the corner. But tonight, well, this ain't it. 😉 Maybe
it's after watching the father/son push-up scene just now at the end of last
night's episode of "This is Us". Maybe it's because the last week has
been a lot to wrap my brain around. Maybe it's because I recorded a pod cast
with Jamie Ivey and I tremendously respect being a tiny part of her amazing
ministry. Maybe it's because tomorrow I will go to HEB and pick up a copy of
TIME magazine and see our family's story (a VERY well-done article I might add)
and know the writer, Mark Thompson, put his heart into telling it to the world.
Maybe it's because Jim and I sent our 76,840-word baby to the publisher last
night after 5 years of pouring ourselves into its' pages. Maybe it's because my
cell phone rings and it could be my kids' school needing me to bring a forgotten
lunchbox or it could be Gary Sinise telling me he's coming to Arlington to pay
his respects to Troy, the first soldier he ever met who was killed. Maybe it's
because it's 1:00 am and I'm not asleep and I am thinking of my Mom who
will be having neck surgery in 7 hours. Whatever it is that brings me to this
point - this place where I want to say something that's been on the fringes of
my heart, not enough so that I could feel it or recognize it daily. But it's
there, tugging, begging to be remembered - the hurt. By the end of the push up
scene I felt the sting of hot tears run down my cheeks. Jim looked at me and
asked why I was crying, though I know he knew. I cried because nothing we ever
finish, whether it be the biggest interview, the best manuscript, the last
funeral... nothing will ever change the fact that there is this deep profound
sadness that my kids lost their father. It's always there. It's always there
for the families like ours. The ones where our kids' holidays might look like
their friends' holidays, but really, they aren't. They are all missing a
parent. Nic and Anthony, their mother. Boston, Greyson, Bella, Aspen and
Annalise, their father. Nothing - not a nice house, or fancy car, or private
education, or cool job, or swanky parties, or celebrity friends, or notarioty
WILL EVER BE ENOUGH to change the fact that kids aren't supposed to sit at the
kitchen barstool and read a TIME magazine account of their fathers' death while
their Mom makes spaghetti - and that be normal. Sigh. While every word we
write, we speak and we profess about having true hope is EVERY bit true. I also
want to say, it all really sucks sometimes. I miss Troy. Jim misses Andrea.
Seven kids are growing into people their mother or father didn't fully know
when they left this earth. They would be so proud of them if they were here
now. I know that I know that I know - The Lord's mercies are great. They are
new every morning. There is enough love in the walls of this home that it is
palpable even when I cry so much I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest
and I still can't believe I can even go on at all with this huge gaping hole in
my heart. Even when there's a day like that. Hebrews 6:19 is not tattooed on my
ankle because I necessarily think it looks all that cool. It's there to remind
me that this Hope (Christ) we (all of us) have as an anchor for our souls is
steadfast, firm and secure. It's the promise that got me through that first
year after Troy left. It's still the promise I cling to when I, too, can imagine
it's MY kids on the back of their own beloved father doing push ups so he can
prove his love for them. I struggle with will my kids ever truly know just how
incredibly much their Daddy loved them? But we serve an infinitely powerful,
compassionate God who I believe has imparted that to my children even without
them having all those first-hand experiences that most kids get. Also, they
have now held onto the strong back of Jim for 8 years now. His dedication to
proving his love for them is DAILY. That is all God, all the time. I love that
man. Ultimately when I start feeling those moments of despair, are when I catch
my breath and I remember - We are God's children. We are on His back. And His
love is even stronger than any earthly father's.
Jim's:
Thank you Ginger
for walking this crazy life with me. Our days can be hard but I'm thankful that
we allow each other to grieve. It's hard to grasp, but time does not heal all
wounds. It may not be as gut wrenching but the pain is always with us. Andrea
and Troy were loved that much. As I held you last night shedding my own tears
about Andrea I hated that I was there holding you, and so thankful I had you to
hold. It's strange for sure but I'm thankful we both feel comfortable crying
about our past. I could not imagine having to bury Andrea's memory with her
physical body.
It is hard but as I held
Ginger, both of us crying, I had to laugh at the hot mess we were in that
moment. How did we get to this point? Who ever thought this would be our
life?
I was stuck by the fact
in the Time Magazine that Troy is the only person that has been buried three
times at Arlington Cemetery. Really? That was our life I was reading? It seemed
crazy that I was part of this story. What manual do you follow to parent kids
though this? I think last night's episode of "This is Us" was about
the choices we make as parents. They are never simple nor black and white. You
just do your best, let love be your guide and Christ be your center. In the end
no matter how mad the kids may be for the choices you make your hope is they
will see you did it out of love. I know my kids did not understand some of the
decisions Andrea and I made when she was sick. Nor did they understand me
marrying Ginger so soon. Which I totally understood. Because it was crazy and
I'm not sure I would advise someone to follow my path. It was a total leap of
faith, but one I knew was right. Only time would show that. Just as it did with
my marriage to Andrea that was viewed equally as crazy by my family and
friends. I told my boys I knew it was crazy but I also knew it was right. It
was not the easy answer to take on 5 kids, 2 in diapers and blending two
families while we were still processing Andrea's death. But I asked them to
remember who I was and that I had not changed.
Just recently Amanda
from the Texas Tech University interviewed us for her article. (Which is along
with the Time article is the best summary of our life). After talking to
Ginger for over an hour Ginger said Amanda wanted to ask me a few questions.
Suddenly I was pouring out my memories of Andrea and crying my eyes out to this
total stranger on the phone.
It is a price we
willingly pay because we know there are families today that will get a knock on
their door or be in a doctors office being told there is nothing else that can
be done. We know the absolute gut wrenching pain of that moment and I'm sorry
anyone has to go though that. This is a club I wish no one else would have to
join, but that is not reality. We owe it to Andrea and Troy to do all we can to
help those families cope with their lives. We owe it to all those who are
struggling to reconcile their faith with their reality. And if our openness
means it can help someone who is suffering, then it is all worth it.
So yes It has been a
hard season for our family because of all Ginger said and the fact that our
jobs involve keeping this loss at the forefront of our marriage and life.
Sometimes I think people see our life and think it's all happiness, that the
price we have paid is somehow forgotten or the blessings we have somehow erase
the pain that brought us here. We have learned to live with sadness and happiness.
Yes we have met some pretty amazing people. People we would have never met. Yes
we have done some amazing things. Things we would have never gotten to do. But
I promise as much as I love Ginger and the kids we would give all of that up to
have Andrea and Troy back.
One day when Andrea was
terminal I asked her if she ever asked God "Why" she said to me
"Why not me? What have I done that God owed me a pain free life?" She
said "Jim I am will willing to die if it leads one person to Christ."
How can I sit it self
pity and ask "Why me? As Ginger wept in my arms last night all I could say
is that somehow this is all okay. God who loves us never forsakes us. That is
the hope we found in the midst of utter despair. And that is the message of our
lives and the message in our book.
I found that same
statement in Andrea's journals. "Lord I will gladly lay down my life if
one person comes to Christ because of this." That is the faith I saw in
her eyes when I first met her. That is the faith I was blessed to love and live
with everyday for almost 28 years. And that is why I miss her when times are
hard because she had such wisdom and discernment. Those that were blessed to
know Andrea understand that statement. Her faith was rare in this life and it
was a huge loss.
But it was also the gift
she left me for this very moment. I believe it's what she was telling me when
she spoke her last words to me as I begged her to not go into the ICU the last
time. She was in a wheelchair outside of the ER and I asked her if I could just
take her back home. Foolishly and selflessly I told her she would be okay. I
just wanted to go home and hold her and close my eyes and somehow wake up from
the nightmare we were living. I told her "If I take you in I'm afraid you
will not come home again." She said, "Jim you have to be strong
now." She knew what had to be done and as usual she had the faith to face
what I was afraid of.
Do I wish Andrea was
here? With all my heart. Do I wish Troy was here? More than words could
express. I love our kids so much my wish is they did not know me because I
understand the pain they faced for me to be here. Do I wish our kids never had
to deal with loss so young? Absolutely. Do I wish Ginger did not have to tell
her story every day? Yes. Am I grateful God gave me a wife who understands
these feelings? Wholeheartedly yes.
When I came home last
week and Ginger asked where I had been I said I went to Ft Sam National
Cemetery and fell asleep lying on Andrea's grave. I did not have to explain
why, or think Ginger felt threatened by that. We just understand and allow each
other the freedom to grieve while we love each other.
As I watched Andrea live
her final years in pain and sickness it was as if God was asking Andrea how
much did she love Him. And Andrea's answer was,
"This much"
and stretched out her arms and died.
How
can I do anything less?
