I few weeks ago I found some emails exchanged between Andrea and I and Ginger. This one was a response to an email Ginger about her pain and struggle with God after losing Troy. After reading Ginger's Facebook post about depression it reminded me of the emails she wrote Andrea and I. Truthfully, those emails were hard to read and we were at a loss at what to say.
If you are in a dark place today, I pray God will use these words to remind of the depth of His love God for you.
----- Original
Message -----
Sent:
Wednesday, March 14, 2007 7:30 AM
Subject: Why?
Ginger,
I saw that report about the
propaganda and Andrea and I were praying that you would not hear about
it. Of course we are lifting your name before our Father and Creator.
I'm at work and decided to write you what has been on my heart this past week.
I'm not sure how to
respond. First, I don't know if you are swamped with e-mails when
your time is so precious. Second, I don't want to assume or come
across as telling you what to do in a time and situation that very few have had
to deal with. Third, I worry that my written words will come across
without the feeling and prayerful spirit in which I write
them. Sometimes it is hard to have a conversation via e-mail because
you loose the expression and feeling.
My understanding of what you
are struggling with is the "why". Why did all this happen,
why are you having to deal with losing your husband, why are you alone, and why
are your children without their father. In that I can relate a
little although not to your degree. Please know my comments are from
my heart and what I felt the Lord put on my heart last night. As
Andrea and I did a bible study I just thought of you and your situation as we
read and it related to what I had sent you about faith previously. I
know you asked me to send that again and I will find that e-mail and resend it
to you. First let me explain how I feel, not to compare but to share
how I felt the Lord helps me everyday.
I too ask
"why". I wish Andrea and I did not have to go through this
trial. Our struggle is different in that it is slow and drawn out, there
is no suddenness to cancer; it is a slow killer that you battle everyday. I
think of it has a relentless pursuer who hounds us everyday, always there, some
days in the background of you mind some days consuming your every thought all
over you. As much as I wish I can’t go back to Aug 2003, to the day before we
heard the news, to just have my life back. There are days I long to
have a day were we do not think about cancer. I see friends who help
us so much yet at the end of the day their worries are just life's normal
worries. And there are days I wish I had just those worries.
But at the end of the day it
is Andrea and I and we have to live with cancer. To get through days
of pain and extreme fatigue, to see Andrea without hair is a constant reminder
she is a cancer patient. At times it is hard for me to believe she
has cancer. It just seems crazy. Andrea
is the last person who should have cancer, no family history, always in good
health, ate well, a strong believer who served the Lord. How can this
happen to her, how can this happen to us? But life's trials are not
reserved for the unbeliever; strength of faith does not determine life's
difficulty or ease. And truthfully that can be hard at times.
Why us God? As if
we are above such difficulty. But God has helped us everyday, even
the days were we prayed and prayed for healing, even days when we just prayed
for relief from constant vomiting only to hear silence. I remember praying for
Andrea to have relief from vomiting, I was holding her hand believing with all
my faith knowing God could stop this only to have Andrea vomit while I was praying. I
have spent countless nights praying for the day she is healed; only to see
another CT scan showing the cancer remains. I can relate to wondering why.
Ginger, I had to first sit
down and think about the God I believed in, was he all he said he was? Was
he my creator? Was he my savior? Did he love me? Did
Christ die for me? If He loved me enough to die for me as a sinner He
loved me now. His love did not wane and I had to know that was the
truth, despite what I was seeing or hearing. God was God and He was
in control. Somehow this all made sense and I had to believe even if I never
understood how. For me the attack was on our faith. Satan
was not after Andrea's life but our faith, our witness, our effectiveness as
believers. I think Satan will do all he can to keep us from coming
to salvation in Christ, but if he can't then he will do all he can to stop us
from being effective witnesses to a lost world so others will not
believe. So we are never immune from his attacks nor are we ever
immune from the effects of living in a falling world.
But we are also never
separated from our Father, who sealed us the day we believed and wrote our
names on the palm of his hand. This was the truth I keep coming back
to when I don't understand life, or wonder why?
I have had to just feed on
the bible and God's word and truth. So that what I know about God is
the reality I live by. Not by what I see but by my faith. Trust
me this is not a one-time decision and I got it. It is an ongoing
battle where at times I feel I'm walking on a beam just a fraction away from falling
into despair. And there are days I have given into the despair and
confusion of what is happening to us. It is very easy for me to fall
into despair and self pity, it as if that takes no effort at all, but to
believe and have faith requires effort, effort to read and study His
word. On those days I find the friends around us and the prayers of
others lift me up and let me know we do serve a risen God and He is everything
He says He is. He is so great that I can never comprehend Him and
His love. So when I don't understand I have to just trust and fall
back on what I know of my God and his character, and know He loves me more then
I know and in fact He loves Andrea more then I do.
The study Andrea and I were
doing was Beth Moore's "Believing God". Yesterday's lesson was about
how we react in life to what we remember, and how we need to remember the God
we serve. Here is part of the lesson:
"Anytime we agree to see
God accurately in any portrait, all else dwarfs-bow down in His
presence. The difficulty soon becomes little more then a short
measuring stick by which we estimate the size of a huge God."
This is not to belittle your
trial, which is far beyond what I have had to deal with, but it is nor bigger
then the God you serve. And praise God Troy was a believer who now
is with the Father we serve by faith.
Ginger, this pain will not go
away in an instant and the daily routine of life goes on seemingly without
feeling so we pray for your faith, and your witness to a lost
world. Neither of us would have asked for the events in our lives
but they are ours, and ours to use for God's glory. Maybe one day we will see
how God used our lives to help others maybe we will not see until we stand
before Him, but He will use all things for His good and His
glory. You do not struggle alone, the Body of Christ, all your
friends and believers are with you and your Father is beside you, even in the
silence and darkness of the toughest days. He cannot be
otherwise.
There were days when all I
can do is hang on by my fingernails, to the simplest truth that God loves me
just to make it through the night or the next hour. To help Andrea
and I have made note cards of scriptures that remind us of the God we serve and
His love for us and when it is hard we flip through them and remind ourselves
of the God we serve.
I'm sorry for the long
email. I know your time is precious and I thank you for allowing me
to share this journey with you. You are in our prayers. That
seems too simple of a statement, and does not capture the bond we have as
believers. Please know that Andrea and I are with you in spirit and
we are praying for your strength. I tell Andrea sometimes I just need
strength to make it to the next minute knowing the minutes will turn into hours
and the hours into days and the days into weeks and the weeks into months and
the months into years. That is my prayer for you in these difficult days,
little by little you will feel the presence the love and the strength of your Creator
who will sustain you. And he will because He says He will, and that is the
truth and reality of this life despite what we see. Look for Him in
the smallest of victories you have and the blessing you receive. It maybe a thought or just a
feeling. Write them down in a book to read and remind yourself of
God faithfulness, you might be surprised how often He is there. You
have the faith Ginger, and you serve a mighty God!
In Christ, Jim
Jim (Andrea too),
I am touched by the time you
always take to help me, a total stranger in this painful journey. I
am hanging on by my fingernails. What an accurate description. I
have asked the basic questions again, as if I am 9 years old again and just
trying to establish my faith. I feel shaken, rattled to the core. My
faith has taken a mighty beating. I love the Lord but am constantly
angry with Him. That is exhausting in itself. I have increasing
difficulty at church for several reasons; we were right in the middle of
serving the Lord in our growing church, busy, involved, not ever contemplating
sitting on the sidelines. I am on the sidelines. I watch the
worship, the couples that are our friends sitting side by side reading the Word
together from a shared Bible, I see others joy. I covet what I lost.
I long to have their daily
struggles which they think are so big just like I used to but now know are
vapors of whining from spoiled Believers. I don't want to have false
worship. How can I sing praise songs to Him when I am so baffled at
how He led me to the place I now dwell?. A very dark, lonely and confused
place. I don't know if I am so physically exhausted with raising 5 small
children (still with help-I cannot fathom without) that I am not thinking
clearly. How can He expect me to raise them like He wants, like Troy
and I wanted with just me? The math does not add up. Troy
worked a lot but when he was home he helped so much. I had someone
to hand them off to.
Troy and I fell into bed
totally exhausted every night. But we knew it was for a
season. They would grow and we would look back on all of it and laugh. But
we were doing it together. We were a family. We never intended
on having five children. We certainly never intended on ME having
five children alone. I put them to bed and then I cry and ache and
grieve and feel more lost and lonely than you can imagine. This was
our time to unwind, talk about the day, talk about our future.
Is this darkness from Satan
or just the darkness that accompanies earth-shattering loss? I have
written down hundreds of scriptures and put them in flip cards
too. They help a little. I see the promises but those promises
might not be for me. Just like I never thought being a widow at 36 with
five children was not for me. He might just choose not to fulfill this
one or that one in my life. I have hope in my eternity. I
have failing hope in my life on earth. I can't see the sunshine. I
try to sleep but am still unable without taking medication. Just one
nap on my own without help. I am not asking much now, am I? The
electrician today noticed Troy's "hero" shadow box on the
wall. He asked if that was my husband. Then a light came
on and he said he now recognized me from television. How did I
become a celebrity of a tragedy? I have emails from around the world. My
loss is so great that it stretches around the world and back to me again. I
hear familiarity in your view of minutes to hours, hours to days, days to months,
months to years...It envelops me in its enormity. I try to pray for
and focus on the next half of the day I live in. But that is virtually
impossible to do too. I hear the echo of my former life in my house, my head, and
my heart. It is so loud. It drowns out much else.
I wonder all the time what
Troy would tell me right now. What would he be doing if it were him
sitting at the computer right now crying and typing and searching for
hope. I cannot bare the thought of it. I believe in the basics of my
faith in the Lord. Those areas are black and white. I
know He loves me, whether I feel it or not. I know He is able to do
anything. But He was able to do anything that day and did not save Troy.
So He is able but what is He
willing to do? Do you feel that He having our days numbered meant He
would have taken Troy to be with Him on that day no matter what, no war, no
Iraq, no flying...anywhere in the world Troy would have been, would he have
taken Him that day? We prayed for wisdom in Troy going over
there. Did we mishear? I know we are in different places,
Jim. You in the long suffering and me in the sudden shock... But God
is God in either situation. Thank you for listening to my ravings
and my ranting’s and my sufferings. I do not forget you two are
suffering too. Please know I will pray
for Andrea and for you as I close my eyes tonight.
Thank you my brother in
Christ,
Ginger
