Sunday, October 10, 2010
We went to church last Wednesday night. At first I was too tried to go and thought about staying home. Anthony even asked me “Why do we have to go to church on Wednesday, isn’t Sunday the Lord’s Day?” I told him, “Every day is the Lords day and I need to go to church tonight. I have to.” It was as if I had a divine appointment that my spirit knew I had to keep. The music was a blessing. I think the second song was “Healing cleansing fire of the Lord is in this place.” I believe I have a Father who knows my name, He hears each prayer I pray, and He hears me when I call. I wanted to close my eyes but I also wanted to sing but I didn’t know all the words. I was conflicted in my spirit. I closed my eyes ad began to sing in the spirit the most beautiful love language I ever uttered. The words flowed from my innermost soul and communicated to my Father my love for Him. I acknowledged Him for all He is to me. How He hears every prayer, sees all my tears, and loves me. I was engulfed in His presence. I was telling God how I never wanted to leave His presence as the song was ending. During the sermon I felt the message was directed to me. It was on devine purpose and started with Romans 8:28, “All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.”
Later that night as I laid in bed I felt God was present in my room, just above the window. Of course I know God is everywhere, but I began to talk to Him and felt a communication with Him. We talked about many things. I asked Him to bless the people who have helped me. I thanked Him for them all and Jim and the boys. I told Him I don’t want to go to the hospital on Thursday to have the fluid drained from around my lung, but not my will but His be done. Then I felt Him ask me to be honest and tell Him if I wanted to be used by Him by going to the hospital, was that what I wanted. I said I really don’t want to but if he wanted me to. Then I started bargaining saying maybe I could meet whoever I was there for in some other way, maybe I could get a job at the hospital and witness in that way and then I felt Him say, “uh huh Andrea”...I said I was sorry for trying to meddle in His will. To which I felt Him say, “I’m asking you what is your heart’s desire?”
I told Him “I want to be finished with cancer. I don’t want to go to the hospital. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to be healed and glorify God through healing.” I felt contrite when I thought what if a person who was supposed to witness to my sons didn’t want to persevere? How awful. I thought about the blessings I may be giving up. I felt so out of strength to carry on. Yet I know God always provides what we need.
Monday, October 4, 2010
No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Joshua told the people, "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do amazing things among you."
Father, Your mercy endures forever. I fall on my face before You. I love You. Thanks You for giving me my appetite back. I pray I will gain 3 lbs. I praise You for who You are. You created me and You love me. You have fortified or faith by Your faithfulness. Today I arise and give You the day.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Okay, I know it has been a while sense Ginger and I have posted anything on the blog. It's not that we have not had anything to post it is just finding the time to sit down and write that has been the issue. Although life has been busy, we have not forgotten the miracle that is our family.
One of my goals has been to take Andrea's journal writings and make a book that I could send to the chemo room in North Carolina. Andrea loved the people there and she always felt a compassion for the other patients who had to endure chemo. She would meet the new patients and offer encouragement as she knew the fear that came with walking into the chemo room for the first time. I remember when Andrea and I had our first tour of the chemo room. We walked into this large room of Lazy Boy recliners and I remember hoping we would have our own private room. We had just been told Andrea had cancer and I think in a way we did not believe it. You don't see yourself as one of those people in the room as if you don't belong and having a private room is a way of denying the truth that you do belong there. That somehow this is all a mistake and you don't have cancer. The words the doctor spoke sink on just a little more and your life has forever changed.
As it turned out being in the chemo room was a blessing, although you want to be alone, that is the last thing you need. When Jesus faced the cross he asked his closest disciples to pray with Him in the garden, we are not meant to face life's trials alone and having friends in the chemo room turned out to be the greatest blessing to Andrea and me. So leaving a book of her writings was was my way of continuing Andrea's desire to help others and our way to still be there with them.
Over the past two weeks I have started transferring Andrea's writings into my computer. It has been difficult as I read her words of hope and desire to be healed, but the pages were also filled with trust, wisdom and faith of a Godly woman. I decided to post some of her writings to the blog during Breast Cancer Awareness month.
All of these journal entries were written in 2005-2007 when Andrea was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer. At the time the cancer had spread to her liver, lungs and bones. There was a lot of growth in our faith over those two years. There were times of despair, confusion and but God kept giving us a consistent message. I believe His message was specific to our needs but the example of God's faithfulness and love is what applies to all of us. I know the end result was not what Andrea nor I wanted, but I pray that does not distract you from words Andrea wrote. Sometimes life is not about what we want but what a sovereign God desires. In the end it came down to trust. I can tell you God provided all we needed just as His word say He will. I'm not sure what God is asking of you today as you read this blog, but I pray you will know your creator and sovereign God loves you. He has not left you nor forgotten you
I pray these entries encourage you if you are facing a trial or difficult situation in your life.