As I went along in this trial I began to fear a peace in trusting God. I feared that if I had a peace then God was telling me Andrea was going to die. Here is what I wrote on October 1 2005.
Thank you Lord for your love and mercy. I thank you for another day to serve you until one day I will sing your praises in your presence. When there will no longer be a separation between us. When one day where you are I will be also. Where there will be no more pain, no doubt, no suffering. Only your presence and believers singing praises to you. How blessed are we to be called your son and daughter. I feel a peace growing in me, a peace about Andrea. A peace I was afraid of because I thought if ever I had a peace about loosing Andrea that you were preparing me to be alone. As long as I did not have a peace about it then it would not happen. Yet I have a peace I and do not fear it. It is part of my growing in my faith, my ability to trust you fully. To lean back, let go, and know you will catch me. I feel such a peace in letting go. I know I have to put you first in my life and nothing, not even my love for Andrea, should be between us.
As I put God first in my life I feel an excitement that God has a plan for me. That He loves me enough to bless me with Andrea. And I feel a peace, and it does not scare me. I do not feel once I accept losing Andrea He will take her. Because this peace, this change in my heart is not about losing Andrea but about losing an idol in my life. My marriage. My fear was about me. About facing my God and learning His will for me.