July 28 2007
As we wait out this weekend for Andrea's CT scan next Wednesday we do not know if we face restarting chemo I found that I needed to read this again.
As I went along in this trial I began to fear a peace in trusting God. I feared that if I had a peace then God was telling me Andrea was going to die. Here is what I wrote on October 1 2005.
Thank you Lord for your love and mercy. I thank you for another day to serve you until one day I will sing your praises in your presence. When there will no longer be a separation between us. When one day where you are I will be also. Where there will be no more pain, no doubt, no suffering. Only your presence and believers singing praises to you. How blessed are we to be called your son and daughter. I feel a peace growing in me, a peace about Andrea. A peace I was afraid of because I thought if ever I had a peace about loosing Andrea that you were preparing me to be alone. As long as I did not have a peace about it then it would not happen. Yet I have a peace I and do not fear it. It is part of my growing in my faith, my ability to trust you fully. To lean back, let go, and know you will catch me. I feel such a peace in letting go. I know I have to put you first in my life and nothing, not even my love for Andrea, should be between us.
My love for Andrea is a gift and a miracle from God. I took my marriage and made it my idol. People praised us for our marriage. And I liked that; I began to serve my marriage and not God. My life revolved around my marriage, I poured myself into it. I was consumed by my success in my marriage. Although I know it is a gift from God it did not deserve my worship. I was serving a creation and not my creator. Now I’m faced with loosing what I worshiped and I feel God changing me. Turning my eyes from Andrea to Him. God loves us too much allow us to misplace our worship. He knows happiness is in Him, not in things of this world like my marriage, and I was putting too much effort into something that was not eternal. I had taken a blessing and made it my source of my happiness. Even though loving Andrea is important to God, I had my priorities mixed up. I was scared to lose Andrea because I loved her but also because it was forcing a change in my life. I had to quit hiding in my successful marriage and face my need to serve my creator. I feared serving Him because it meant I had to put God ahead of what I wanted. It meant saying you are my God and my life is subject to You and Your will. So I feared losing Andrea, losing her was losing what I had built up as my religion. I think my fear was more about myself then Andrea. I was afraid to stand and face my creator alone. To face my salvation was not in my great marriage but in what God wanted from me. God did not save me only to be Andrea’s husband. Although it is part of my purpose it was not the center of my existence. So as I face Andrea’s cancer again I’m learning my God has a plan for me.
As I put God first in my life I feel an excitement that God has a plan for me. That He loves me enough to bless me with Andrea. And I feel a peace, and it does not scare me. I do not feel once I accept losing Andrea He will take her. Because this peace, this change in my heart is not about losing Andrea but about losing an idol in my life. My marriage. My fear was about me. About facing my God and learning His will for me.
