But God word says Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." Obviously Andrea living is the desire of my heart.
Andrea and I trust God no matter the outcome of this cancer. Whether my last entry into this journal is Andrea's healing or her death we trust God. We trust God to give us all we need in either outcome. Trust me I have written both this entries in my mind many many times. I have laid awake at night or awoke early in the morning thinking what I would do the moment after I kissed Andrea goodbye. I have walked down that path and thought what would life be like far to many times. I have also, on occasion, thought through the moment a doctor says, there is no evidence of disease, or NEOD as Andrea and I call it.
Having come to a point where I can say, "Not my will but yours," is not a giving up on my ability to ask and believe for Andrea's healing. I believe God still allows me to come before Him and lay my requests down. I just can't come before God and say, "Either you heal Andrea or I do not believe." I can't make my desire a demand as if I drawing a line in the sand and telling God you are either with me or against me based on whether Andrea lives or dies.
That does not mean that I don't struggle with all this.
I will be honest with you. I usually don't share these thoughts but I will today because I want you to know this is not a cake walk for me and my faith. I struggle daily with my desires and my trust in God.
There are two things I dread. One is the grief of losing Andrea the other is the suffering cancer brings.
Of course the thought of losing Andrea weighs on me. There was one moment I will never forget. I'm not sure what it meant but I will never forget it. It was January 2007, Andrea had just been released from ICU. We walked into her new room on the hospital's 7th floor. It was a great moment, I shut the door and we were alone for the first time in 4 days. The previous four days were the hardest days I had gone through. I was brought to the edge of everything I dreaded and the grief that I knew would follow. But for now it was over. I put Andrea in the chair by the window so she could enjoy the beautiful blue sky and feel the sun on her back. As I tucked a pillow in behind her I happened to look out the window which overlooked the back of the hospital. As I did I watched a Hearst backing in. I knew it was there to pick up someone who had passed away. Some family was experiencing what I dreaded. I felt sorrow for them. I will never forget that moment as I looked out the window over Andrea and knew how close we were to that being us.
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
The Bible never hides the fact that life is a battle, and daily we must be ready. No matter how hard we try to have an easy life, it just won't happen. Faith is forged in the fires of your trials. A life without difficulty is a life without faith. Wishing difficulties away or trying to hide for our struggles will only leave ourselves unprotected, unprepared and easily overwhelmed. Please don't look at us as say, "I'm glad I'm not Jim and Andrea." Instead look at us and know if life has not already challenged you and what you believe it will, and God and His word is the strength and protection you need when life becomes more then you can handle.