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Sunday, May 11, 2008

Happy Mothers Day

Nic and Kate

A Happy Dad Thinking About His pay Raise

The Big Moment

This has been another hard day that I'm glad is over. I knew Mother's Day was going to have a special meaning for me this year as I lost my Mom in November and Andrea in December but also God has poured out abundant blessings on me by bringing Ginger and me together. So this was a day of mixed emotions, both sadness at what i have lost but joy at what I have gained. Truthfully sometimes I find it hard to express or even allow myself to totally feel my joy. I'm sure that will fade I continue to adjust to my life, my past and my future. It is hard to believe all that happened to me but it did. In some ways it seems like I could not have lost my mom and my wife as if I'm looking at someone else. But I'm not.

So as I sit in Nic's apartment at the end of the day I feel a sense of relief that this day is over. However I can't help but think of how truly blessed I am. My losses only hurt because of the great blessings I have had. My Mom and Andrea were towers of strength and Ginger is a blessing I never thought was possible. Of course I reflected on my Mom yesterday, her amazing way that she raised 8 children, taught us the importance of education, to have a work ethic, and what it meant to be a family. She was an example of sacrifice and the importance of loving others. I miss calling her, or seeing her bright smile and the excitement on her face whenever I visited her. Sometimes I think losing someone is hard because I just feel sorry for myself and what I have lost. The time to talk to my mom or Andrea, to laugh with them, I lost all that. They are both far happier then I will ever be in this life and when I think of that it tends to remove the sting of the loss.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time thinking of Andrea the mother of my children. I think I have sufficiently expressed what I thought of Andrea and all she meant to us boys. But yesterday as I watched Nic walk the stage, I was sad that Andrea did not live to share the day with us, but I proud of Nic for walking because I know that was hard for him as well. Yesterday, for the first time since I lost Andrea I felt as if I could see her, or sense her. I have struggled with this since she died. I could remember her and things we did but I could not "see" her. I know this does not make sense, but it was like I knew of her but could not see her. As I drove to our old house, drove to the Metro stop she would drop me off and pick me up every day, I could see her sitting next to me. I could see her smile as we talked about Nic and his graduation. I felt her in ways I had not since she died. She had a beautiful smile, and she was beaming with pride. Her eyes sparkled like they would when she was happy. I placed my hand on her seat and I missed her so very much.

But I have to tell you that although I'm sad for my loss, I thankful to God for all He gave me. A loving Mom who raised me, and two amazing women to be my wife. I always knew Andrea was a gift from God a blessing I did not think could ever be matched in my life, but God has showered me with such abundant blessing in Ginger that I almost feel guilty. I thought I would have never loved again as I loved Andrea and I truthfully, I would have had no right to complain for I was blessed with a thousand life times of love during my marriage to Andrea. But God had a plan for Ginger and I. He led us together even while we did not see how He could possibly bless our lives with a relationship equal to what we had. We were destined to suffer, and we were destined to be together.

So in my sadness of the day I also see God's loving hand on my life. I am blessed with seven wonderful children, my quiver is full! Plus, Ginger speaks to my soul and touches my spirit in ways I cannot explain. When I look into her eyes I feel a depth of love that as times I cannot comprehend and that only reminds me of the uniqueness of our relationship that could only come for God. It is very humbling and comforting to me, and it helps me when I look back on my life. As I look at my life I can't help but be filled with joy.

Happy Mother's Day Mom, Andrea and Ginger.

1 comment:

  1. You captured the essence of Grams and Andrea completely. They showed us love and grace with every moment.

    I know Ginger must be an amazing woman- and am excited to meet her.

    love to all...