Exchange Rate

This is about what is truly valuable

One day I will stand before Christ, as we all will. I will stand before the one who paid my sin debt. I will look upon his sacred hands and feet. I will see the one given authority over all, the King of Kings the Lord of Lords, and He will judge me on my life. Not a judgment of my salvation. That is secure from the moment I accepted Christ, but a judgment of my service to the one who saved me.

I want you to close your eyes and put yourself, as best we can, before Christ the moment after you die. You see before you, Christ. Scares on his hands, feet and His side. Before you will lay your gift, eternity. Imagine if you will Christ’s begins the judgment of believers to determine their rewards in heaven and as you step up to the front of the line Christ readies to read your accomplishments, and there is silence. Nothing. Christ has nothing to say. He asks what you have done with the talents He has given you. Did you serve me? Jesus is not judging us for entrance into eternity, that is secure as a beliver, but He is and will judge our works; how we served Him with the gifts He had given us. We will be given a reward for our life as believers.

If your answer is, "Lord, look at the big house I had, and the nice cars. Look at the nice schools I went to, and look at the corner office I had." Or your most prized position. "Look at the huge bank account I have accumulated. " All to which Jesus will respond, I’m sorry but we do not have an exchange rate for those goods, they have no value here.

Our reward in heaven is not based on what we bring to God but it what we did with what God gave us.

As I go back in my mind to that moment before Christ I think the saddest think I could hear from my savior is silence. Silence from the one who gave it all for me to enter eternity. Silence because I wasted my time my talents and my efforts chasing earthly accomplishments.

Mileposts

I wrote this on 17 Dec 2006.

It is about the reminders God sends us to His faithfulness.

It is about how God leads us in our journey.

When you get an assignment to Alaska one of the first things someone will tell you to buy is a “Milepost”. It is a map of Alaska but not like any other map. This map not only has all the roads but it lists everything along the way. The map list the distance of each highway, say from Anchorage to Fairbanks, where mile zero is in Anchorage and the ending mileage is how far it is to Fairbanks. But it also lists everything along the way, like a dirt road at mile 24.5 or a gas station at mile 112.3. Everything along that road is marked by a mileage. Because the environment is so harsh in Alaska it is important to always know where you are. Getting lost in Alaska can cost you your life. The Milepost is the best directions you could get. You know when someone is trying to tell you how to get somewhere they will say, go down this road for about 4-5 miles and turn left on center street, go a little ways and you will see a small street on the left go past that to the next left and that is the street you are looking for. Then as you take off you have an idea where you are going but there is always a little doubt. Had you gone 3 mile or 4, did you miss a turn? Now if that person had given you the same directions but added some landmarks like as you go that 4-5 miles you will pass a Wal-Mart, keep going straight, then look for an underpass, go under and look for a McDonald's, just past that is your street. Now you as you drive you have something to let you know you are going the right way. If you begin to doubt if you have missed a turn and you look up and see the Wal-Mart, you are instantly relieved and because you know where you are in relation to where you are trying to go. And the longer the distance you have to go the more “markers” you like. The Milepost is like that, it is the best directions because you can always look at the map and find out exactly where you are. So if you are in need of food or gas, you know exactly how far it is until the next station. These “Mileposts” take away the fear of being lost, they bring comfort it a hostile environment.

As we started journey I began to feel as if we were trying to find our way, but I did not know where we were or how far we had to go, I did even know where we were going in the beginning. We were figuratively in the dark, trying to find our way to where we wanted to go. We had to first find out our destination. We prayed and believe God told us Andrea would be healed, but we were not told how we would get there, or how long it would take. But as I sought God more I found that our final destination was already set, we are heaven bound and healing from cancer is not the end but a means to the end, an opportunity to allow God to shine through us. Although healing is still something we believe for it has taken a backseat to our desire to serve the God who already has given us a gift we can never repay Him for, salvation. But that is another topic, Mileposts is about how God provides the best directions, how God gives us “mileposts” in our life to keep us on the right path to remind us we are not lost.

I have found that Godly mileposts can come in many forms. A verse in scripture, in silent prayer, in the audible yet silent voice of the Father, in a sermon, in an e-mail from a friend, a word of encouragement, a phone call, a letter, a card, or from a song. There are no limits to how God can speak to us if we choose to listen and be spiritually attentive.

I have found that sometimes God does not give us directions to the end but to an intermediate point, many times not very far ahead of where I am. It is like standing in total darkness, with only the path lit in front of me as far as God wants me to walk. At times it has not been more then a few steps and I could go only go as far as I could see. I had to trust and wait for further illumination from God when I wanted to just take off and get to the destination, and just get this trial over with. At times the slow pace as been more of a test then the trial itself, but I can tell you nothing is wasted by God. But like I said where we are going is set, so it becomes more about how we get there then where we are going.

I have also found out that God provides mileposts to strengthen our faith, and there are times when they come one after another, usually when times are the most difficult. But there are times when it is eerily quiet and I have had to just remember past mileposts to trust. You see mileposts are not for the moment and then forgotten, they become part of us, they scream at us to trust. If God had been then before He is here now, even is the silence and in the madness of cancer. You see if He never leaves us nor forsakes us, and if He is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow, then we can wait is the darkest of times and know that we know that we know that He is still with us. Mileposts become the bricks and mortar to the foundation of our faith. We stand on all the past promises met, answered prayers, and we trust. Even though the future is not clear, even if the path that lies ahead is in total darkness we can trust that our Father sees it all. There is no darkness to Him.

I have found that even if we would not take the particular path we are on if the Lord is leading us then it is the best path for us, and we are there for a purpose. Trust me I had figured out the perfect path in my mind several times. Yes Lord I could see it perfectly clear, the next treatment and then we will be done, or now that I learned that last lesson, now we are situated for you healing. Yes Lord just over that next hill and we will be done. But that was never how it worked out. There was another bad scan, a higher tumor marker, or a new unexplained pain, and then more chemo, more side effects and more pills to take away the pain. Until I didn’t know what we were fighting, cancer or side effects from the drugs we were hoping would heal Andrea. You just get so deep into it your not sure which way is up. Then it happens, God sends you a milepost. And you know God is in control and clarity returns to life. Mileposts like: Jacquelyn’s prophecy in Belks, Shelby’s emails, Wayne's prophecy, Silo’s phone call, Virginia’s e-mail, Gina’s prayer, the faith of Andrea’s bible study group they all have reminded us that God is still in control.

You learn that a God who loves you so much to your answer prayers and send believers into your day to lift you up has no problem healing. Suddenly the gift of Christ’s sacrifice is sweeter, more humbling, and you find yourself not asking what God will give you, but what can you give to God. What is too much to give to our creator who died for us? What is too much to give to one who gave His life for us? You started by begging for life, healing and you end up laying down your own life and desires to a loving God. And that is the miracle of God love. It takes our eyes off ourselves and puts them on Him and those around us. It takes away our selfishness. It makes all we have done as filthy rags compared to Christ. It makes you realize there is nothing we have done or will do to deserve salvation. It makes this temporary life, this vapor of time, be seen for what it is. An opportunity to serve our creator, to live a life of service to the one who first loved us.

Today I met a wonderful woman and her husband who are breast cancer survivors for two years. We talked about our common experiences. At times there were tears in her eyes just recounting all she and we had been through. I looked at her and thought how marvelous it must be to be two years out from treatment. Her hair had grown back and was beautiful. There was no exhaustion in her eyes, but cancer had still left its mark. The possibility it could come back, the dread of facing treatment again. That look is only shared by those who have heard the doctor say you have cancer and have faced the chemo chair, the months of sickness, weakness, hair loss, vomiting, and countless side effects of drugs meant to randomly destroy life. But they are also the ones who have the chance to experience the joy of trusting God when life hangs in the balance, to fall back in faith and be caught in the arms of God, to strip away the meaninglessness of life, to feel the love of the body of Christ. I count it all joy to have suffered for Christ.
There may have been some very dark days but God always provided us a Milepost, a gentle loving reminder that says, "I'm right here."

My Hero

I wrote this on Oct 7 2006. I had a version of this it put in the Seymour Johnson base paper that you may have seen. This is the original version.

It talks of Andrea and why she is my hero.

We all have or had a hero in our life, someone we admire or look up to. Andrea is my hero. I want to try to capture the strength of this woman. Andrea is unique; at first glance you would say it is her height or her eyes, the most beautiful blue I have seen. You just feel important when she looks at you, you feel loved, not threatened. Although both these are true it is only the surface. The day I met Andrea, April 19, 1980, I looked into her eyes, at her warm smile and immediately I saw everything I needed. I was at a stoplight and I looked to my right and I saw my wife in the car next to me. I can’t explain it but her eyes loved me the moment I looked into them. Quickly I came to realize she had something I never knew, a peace, a relationship with Christ, and faith. Faith like you read about, faith like a little child, a pure, trusting, knowing faith. She just believed. I love having a wife with the spiritual gift of faith. But faith is grown and matured like all spiritual gifts and Andrea’s faith was tested early on in her life in two significant events. Where most people would have crumbled Andrea grew stronger. Though not easy, she trusted when everything told her otherwise. I met her shortly after these events. I was so attracted to her faith. I was living my own life where I had religion but no relationship with my God or my savior. It was a good life and I was having fun, but when I looked into her eyes, I saw my emptiness, I saw my need. I loved her the second I saw her and I think I knew she loved me at that very same moment.

Fast forward 20 years. Andrea finds the lump, and our life as we know it crumbles around us. Everyone who has received bad news can relate. Your life is changed in an instance, in a flash what was important is no longer, things you have been planning that seemed a must are suddenly forgotten. I look back at that moment and at times wish I could go back to the second before I received the call from Andrea. “I finished my doctor appointment, they found a lump but I’m sure its nothing.” That moment was headed our way and we never saw it. It has changed our life in every way. I looked back on the girl I met at the stoplight and I remember her beautiful blue eyes full of faith and I think it is time to meet her again.

We had 20 years of life going pretty well and we had long forgotten the trials of Andrea’s youth, and so was the faith that carried her through them. Pleasure, success, the busyness of life had replaced it. We were enjoying ourselves, our faith and our relationship with God was relegated to an as needed basis, so as to not interfere with what I wanted and what I was doing. I had never really needed faith. I prayed but I worked for my accomplishments and I think I took the credit for them, even if I was “praying” for them or “trusting” God to help me. I trusted him right up to the point I felt I better get in there and help this situation out. You know push it along and get it going, time was wasting and I could make it happen. It was all working well at least on the surface. The military has a way of confirming this by giving you medals and awards. I can think of nothing that better represents how easy a job can put pride in your life then someone reading glowing statements about what you had done and capping it off with pinning a medal on your chest. It is all about you. No mention of all those who helped you, no mention of your family, and forbidden is any mention of God, no this song of praise is titled “How great I am.” And it sounds beautiful when the chorus kicks in, they can’t be wrong. Heck it is the medals and reports are usually signed by someone very important! It feels good basking in the warmth of your own sun.

But life will send us warning signals that we are not as good as we think. Maybe some trials intensify, maybe we seem to be just barely making it through, maybe we feel more and more overwhelmed by life and deep down we know we are not doing such a hot job. The facade is harder and harder to keep up. Maybe people close to us are beginning to see cracks in our mask. Then God says “Okay you think this is all about you, you seem pretty confidant in your ability to handle life, let’s try a little life and death.” If there ever was any doubt about who is God and who is not, facing death clears that up in a second. It is crystal clear then. But for me it was clear as long as death was a threat. I will be very honest with you. When Andrea was first diagnosed we fell back on our faith and I did grow I did learn my need for faith. But After six months of treatment, we thought, what now. Suddenly cancer was not there. You are done with treatment and the intensity it brings. It leaves as fast as it came. Andrea walked out of her last radiation treatment with balloons and cards from friends who came to celebrate her “being done.” We got in the car and we both thought to ourselves, what now? What do we do now? No one says okay you are healed, you’re just done with treatment. The doctors basically say, “We have given you the legal limit of chemo, and radiation allowed by law, so good luck.” Well I guessed it is over, and I went back to my life as it was the moment before Andrea said “I have cancer.” Sure I was changed by the experience and my faith had grown in many ways, but I was tired from the intensity of faith I needed and I wanted a break from that as much as I wanted a break from the treatments. I wanted my old life back and I did that by letting go of the faith I had needed. I did not carry it over to my day to day life anymore. It was necessary for cancer but surly God did not expect me to live abandoned to Him everyday! I don't think this was a conscious decision as much as a letting down of my guard. So we took a vacation to Europe and moved to Washington D.C. We had geographical separation from cancer, and I built separation from the intensity of my faith as well. I went back to serving me and my desires. Heck I had some catching up to do. That year in D.C. was an amazing void of faith in my life. I was on vacation from faith. I justified it in many ways. We are only here for one year so no need to get in a church, no need to be involved if we are leaving so soon. It was a totally self absorbed year and I deserved it. That is how I felt; I needed a rest from the pressure of cancer and the intensity of faith required. Like many vacations, you find it did not rest you nearly enough and you think about quitting work and staying on vacation, retirement starts to sound pretty good. But you have to pay the bills for that vacation and it is back to work you go. Just like going back to work after a vacation that first day back is awful. Especially if you took a vacation after be totally worn out, exhausted in every way, all you want to do is sleep, and when you get back to work, you find the exhaustion returns all too quickly. That pretty much sums up how I felt when we arrived in Goldsboro in June 2006. Within 2 weeks we were back in the fight. Cancer had returned and with a vengeance. It was a short break and it was time to put the gloves back on.

I began to think back to the girl I saw at the stoplight, and what made her so special, and I knew it was her faith. She had suffered a trail that lasted for several years when she was young and the same faith that had carried her then would be needed again. I relearned what faith was, the strength to trust, to believe, to know what you have never seen, as I watch Andrea face cancer I am reminded of what I saw in her eyes the moment I first saw her. It was what I needed in my life then, and it was what I need in my life today, faith. Unlike the break we had our faith does not need to not be a temporary solution to a problem but a way of life. God is looking for me to live an abandoned life, a life poured out and willing to be used by Him, for Him. This is not a “get me by faith” so I can tell God, “thanks; now I’ll take it from here.” No this is the faith I saw in an 18 year old girl who had faced hard times, times that would cause you to wonder, God, where are you? Yet she believed. She came out of her trial still trusting, she was still abandoned to Christ. She did not have “temporary get me by faith”, she had faith. Now I’m beginning to understand what a gift that is and what I saw in those blue eyes the moment I first looked into them. A living faith is not easy; it is more than just words, and we cannot manufacture it, we can not force it, muster it up, it is a gift from God. I see what makes Andrea so special, and I’m glad I see that faith back in her eyes. She lives her faith in the fire of cancer. It reminds me of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego when they faced death for not bowing to the golden image made by King Nebuchadnezzar in Daniel Chapter3:

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." Then Nebuchadnezzar was furious with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, and his attitude toward them changed. He ordered the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual and commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and throw them into the blazing furnace. So these men, wearing their robes, trousers, turbans and other clothes, were bound and thrown into the blazing furnace. The king's command was so urgent and the furnace so hot that the flames of the fire killed the soldiers who took up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, and these three men, firmly tied, fell into the blazing furnace. Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, "Weren't there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?" They replied, "Certainly, O king." He said, "Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods."

Andrea’s cancer is her fiery furnace, and when we look at her and see her faith we see the one with her, we see Christ. Andrea has taken the most difficult situation and has faced it with faith, and strength. She has been an example to me and those around her. Those of us who have seen Andrea face this cancer have been inspired to be better husbands, wives, sons, daughters, friends, and workers. To me, this is the definition of hero.