We went to church last Wednesday night. At first I was too tried to go and thought about staying home. Anthony even asked me “Why do we have to go to church on Wednesday, isn’t Sunday the Lord’s Day?” I told him, “Every day is the Lords day and I need to go to church tonight. I have to.” It was as if I had a divine appointment that my spirit knew I had to keep. The music was a blessing. I think the second song was “Healing cleansing fire of the Lord is in this place.” I believe I have a Father who knows my name, He hears each prayer I pray, and He hears me when I call. I wanted to close my eyes but I also wanted to sing but I didn’t know all the words. I was conflicted in my spirit. I closed my eyes ad began to sing in the spirit the most beautiful love language I ever uttered. The words flowed from my innermost soul and communicated to my Father my love for Him. I acknowledged Him for all He is to me. How He hears every prayer, sees all my tears, and loves me. I was engulfed in His presence. I was telling God how I never wanted to leave His presence as the song was ending. During the sermon I felt the message was directed to me. It was on devine purpose and started with Romans 8:28, “All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.”
Later that night as I laid in bed I felt God was present in my room, just above the window. Of course I know God is everywhere, but I began to talk to Him and felt a communication with Him. We talked about many things. I asked Him to bless the people who have helped me. I thanked Him for them all and Jim and the boys. I told Him I don’t want to go to the hospital on Thursday to have the fluid drained from around my lung, but not my will but His be done. Then I felt Him ask me to be honest and tell Him if I wanted to be used by Him by going to the hospital, was that what I wanted. I said I really don’t want to but if he wanted me to. Then I started bargaining saying maybe I could meet whoever I was there for in some other way, maybe I could get a job at the hospital and witness in that way and then I felt Him say, “uh huh Andrea”...I said I was sorry for trying to meddle in His will. To which I felt Him say, “I’m asking you what is your heart’s desire?”
I told Him “I want to be finished with cancer. I don’t want to go to the hospital. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to be healed and glorify God through healing.” I felt contrite when I thought what if a person who was supposed to witness to my sons didn’t want to persevere? How awful. I thought about the blessings I may be giving up. I felt so out of strength to carry on. Yet I know God always provides what we need.
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