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Perfect Imperfection

Tonight we put up our Christmas tree, the first Ravella/Gilbert tree. Actually we have two trees. One is artificial. It is perfect. It has p...

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Andrea's Journal Feb 24 06

                  We went to church last Wednesday night.  At first I was too tried to go and thought about staying home.  Anthony even asked me “Why do we have to go to church on Wednesday, isn’t Sunday the Lord’s Day?”  I told him, “Every day is the Lords day and I need to go to church tonight.  I have to.”  It was as if I had a divine appointment that my spirit knew I had to keep. The music was a blessing.  I think the second song was “Healing cleansing fire of the Lord is in this place.” I believe I have a Father who knows my name, He hears each prayer I pray, and He hears me when I call.  I wanted to close my eyes but I also wanted to sing but I didn’t know all the words.  I was conflicted in my spirit.  I closed my eyes ad began to sing in the spirit the most beautiful love language I ever uttered.  The words flowed from my innermost soul and communicated to my Father my love for Him.  I acknowledged Him for all He is to me.  How He hears every prayer, sees all my tears, and loves me.  I was engulfed in His presence.  I was telling God how I never wanted to leave His presence as the song was ending.  During the sermon I felt the message was directed to me.  It was on devine purpose and started with Romans 8:28, “All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.”
                  Later that night as I laid in bed I felt God was present in my room, just above the window.  Of course I know God is everywhere, but I began to talk to Him and felt a communication with Him.  We talked about many things.  I asked Him to bless the people who have helped me.  I thanked Him for them all and Jim and the boys.  I told Him I don’t want to go to the hospital on Thursday to have the fluid drained from around my lung, but not my will but His be done.  Then I felt Him ask me to be honest and tell Him if I wanted to be used by Him by going to the hospital, was that what I wanted.  I said I really don’t want to but if he wanted me to.  Then I started bargaining saying maybe I could meet whoever I was there for in some other way, maybe I could get a job at the hospital and witness in that way and then I felt Him say,  “uh huh Andrea”...I said I was sorry for trying to meddle in His will.  To which I felt Him say, “I’m asking you what is your heart’s desire?”
                  I told Him “I want to be finished with cancer. I don’t want to go to the hospital.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I want to be healed and glorify God through healing.” I felt contrite when I thought what if a person who was supposed to witness to my sons didn’t want to persevere?  How awful.  I thought about the blessings I may be giving up. I felt so out of strength to carry on. Yet I know God always provides what we need.  

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