Take my Life, A video of Thanks

Blogspot has just introduced a way to put movies on the blog so I have decided to give it a try and add a movie I made over the past year. It started as a project I would work on when I could not sleep and it just grew into the movie you will see. It is not a memorial to Andrea but an account of our life and how all of you have played such an important role in our ability to fight. I'm definitely not a professional movie maker as you will see, in fact this was first made as a PowerPoint presentation and I just converted it into a movie to add to my blog.

After showing this to a few family members I decided to show this to some close friends in North Carolina when we were about to move. It was a way to say thanks for everything that was done for us. I felt that people may not realize how much it means to us when you share with us in this trial. It would be easier to run from someone in trouble. Each of us has our own trials not to mention the business of daily life, but all of you in some way have decided to stand with us and in doing so you took a portion of the load we bore and made life possible for Andrea and I . And so you encourage us to fight on. You become the answer to our prayers to our pleading to God for help. I was never sure what I was going to do with this video as I made it and now I want to share it with everyone because I felt this was a nice way to say thanks to you all. I hope you enjoy the video and better understand how much you mean to us.

Every picture in this video except three were taken since this trial started in August 2003. There are also scriptures which I copied from Andrea's 3X5 note cards of her favorite scriptures. Ones we have read when times were hard to remind us of the God we serve.

There are three songs in the show each with a special meaning to me.

1. A living Prayer A song of outward expression of faith.

This was a song given to us by Lisa Rowell. I choose the song because it speaks of offering our lives as a living prayer. I liked it because it reminded me that daily our life needs to be an offering to God. This is probably the one common idea Andrea and I both felt like the Lord was asking of us in this trial. Lay down our lives, abandon ourselves and trust Him, to have faith in our God and be willing to be used by Him. To let go of our desires and serve Him no matter what. It is easy to write or say but can be very difficult to do when times are hard. But this is what we feel He has asked of us and we are learning every day to abandon more and more.

It is our words to you.

2. Go Where you Go A song of our commitment to each other.

This is an old Michael English song and it speaks about the marriage vow to love each other in sickness and in health rich or poor, regardless of life circumstances.

It is my words to Andrea.

3. Where you are A song of all of ours commitment to stand by Andrea.

I first heard this song driving back from the ICU the very first night. It was so emotional for me as the words expressed what I was feeling. That I was right by Andrea's side just as all of you have been. This song has no scriptures along with it, only pictures of people by Andrea's side.

It is our words to Andrea.

Please send me a comment if the video does not work and I will see what I can do...although my computer skills are limited.

Jim

1 Corinthians 12:12-13

The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ. For we were all baptized be one Spirit into one body—whether Jews or Greeks, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.

Chair and a Half

For those who have been to or house in the past year you know in the living room sits a huge recliner called a chair and a half. It is Andrea's and my favorite place to be on a Friday night. Okay, maybe we are a little boring, we accept that. But ending the week together watching a Poriot mystery or Monk is our favorite thing to do. But there is more to the chair then just a comfortable place to watch TV.

In the fall of 2005 Andrea and I decided we would like to get a big chair so we could sit together. Our sofa, although nice just was not comfortable for both of us to fit and watch TV. It seemed like a simple enough thing to fix, just go to the stores and find a chair we liked. We already decided on a chair and a half, which is just a chair slightly smaller then a love seat, so of we went on our weekend shopping trip.

Normally making a purchase is a financial decision but unexpectedly became one of faith. Buying the chair was the first big, purchase since Andrea was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. It would normally be a simple decision but it is scary to think in the long term with cancer. This chair was the first time we faced that, and we took the leap. Both of us were having the same thoughts. Should we buy something this permanent for the two of us? Would it just be a sad reminder every time I saw it?

Today the chair sits as a reminder of our fight against cancer. To our unwillingness to give in to cancer. To our commitment to keep our life ours.

Every Friday night we get in our chair. I look over at Andrea and she looks up and smiles at me. This is our time. We turn off the lights, recline and watch our shows until Andrea falls asleep with her head on my shoulder.

In that moment we have won. We refused to let cancer dictate to us how we will live.

Unanswered Questions

This is the end of one of the more confusing weeks. I choose confusing and not difficult because although Andrea's condition had taken a turn for the worse it was just so unexpected. We started the week with Andrea having to restart two of the harder chemo drugs. That in itself was hard as Andrea faces loosing her hair for the fourth time in four years. Then there was the difficulty with the military hospital which unnecessarily compounded the events. But in the end these were chemo drugs Andrea has taken twice before and had tolerated them pretty well. I say that using her first chemo called AC as the basis, and nothing could be as hard as that drug. So although we were facing more chemo we thought we knew what to expect. I soon found out I was wrong.

During the events of the past week I found myself touched by the story of Lazarus. Maybe not because of the obvious reason of Lazarus being raised from the dead but to the reaction of Mary and Margret and the Jews. That is one of the things I love about reading the Bible. Depending on what you are experiencing, different parts of the Bible will speak to you. I believe that even as some of you read this story you may be drawn to a different verses. There are so many aspects to this account of Jesus' life you could write 10 journal entries and although it is one of the more widely known stories in the Bible, I suggest when you read it you avoid the temptation to skip or read over parts you "know." Read it has if it is your first time to read the verses and you will find yourself drawn to parts of the story you may not have thought about.

John 11:1-37

1Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. 2This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair. 3So the sisters sent word to Jesus, "Lord, the one you love is sick." 4When he heard this, Jesus said, "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it." 5Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. 6Yet when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days. 7Then he said to his disciples, "Let us go back to Judea." 8"But Rabbi," they said, "a short while ago the Jews tried to stone you, and yet you are going back there?" 9Jesus answered, "Are there not twelve hours of daylight? A man who walks by day will not stumble, for he sees by this world's light. 10It is when he walks by night that he stumbles, for he has no light." 11After he had said this, he went on to tell them, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up." 12His disciples replied, "Lord, if he sleeps, he will get better." 13Jesus had been speaking of his death, but his disciples thought he meant natural sleep. 14So then he told them plainly, "Lazarus is dead, 15and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him." 16Then Thomas (called Didymus) said to the rest of the disciples, "Let us also go, that we may die with him."

17On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. 18Bethany was less than two miles from Jerusalem, 19and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother. 20When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home. 21"Lord," Martha said to Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask." 23Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again." 24Martha answered, "I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day." 25Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; 26and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" 27"Yes, Lord," she told him, "I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who was to come into the world."
28And after she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. "The Teacher is here," she said, "and is asking for you." 29When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him. 30Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. 31When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there.
32When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."
33When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34"Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied. 35Jesus wept. 36Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!" 37But some of them said, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?"

The past week I did not understand what we were going through or why we were going through it. Andrea came home from the chemo on Monday and seemed excessively tired. She basically slept until Friday afternoon. Not only was she sleepy, she was very groggy, her speech was weak and hard to understand and she just could not keep her eyes open. She was also having several other symptoms, shortness of breath, severe stomach pains, and swelling of her left hand. It was all so unexpected since Andrea has never had these side effects when she took the drugs in the past. So I had, as maybe some of you did as well, some unanswered questions. Why was Andrea having to go back on chemo? Why did our prayers seemed unanswered? It was these thoughts that led me to John 11.

As I read John 11, I was drawn to Martha's response when Jesus arrived, "If you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask." And Mary's response, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

Remember they had sent for Jesus when Lazarus was ill, knowing Jesus had healed others and would surly come to someone He loved. So as I read this verse I related to the questions being asked and the unspoken words between the lines. Maybe I was just projecting my own thoughts between the lines but Mary and Martha were human like me and I'm sure felt some of the same thoughts as we all would in that situation. Lord, if you had been here, I could relate to the confusion in their words and the underlying disappointment, anger, that Jesus did not do for someone He loved what He had done for others. As humans we have expectations or an understanding of what love involves and delaying until Lazarus died did not make sense in their minds. Much like myself tyring to understand why Andrea was in such pain no matter what I prayed. It was as if I just could not find the words to connect to God. Did He not care, nor just not hear? The only obvious answer I could see to my prayers was for Andrea's pain to stop, and her body to be healed instantly. If later then why not now?

I was also drawn to the reaction of the Jews who commented, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?" I just know Mary and Martha heard these comments, and probably began to ask the same question as doubt creeps in the door of misunderstanding. That's what happens when we look to man's knowledge to try to understand God's ways. The two do not equate and seemed to contradict each other.

Jesus knew the result of His delaying coming to Lazarus and He even told the Disciples why, "Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. He even told Martha up front, "Your brother will rise again." Jesus knew this had to play out and Lazarus had to die for God's will to be done. They just had to trust. I think Jesus displayed His love for them in His grief over their sadness.

33When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.

Soon they would have to draw on this deeper faith when Jesus himself was given over to death. How was he going to raise himself? They did not need to know the how, they would just have to know he would. Jesus' miracles were used to point to His Deity, His ability to do what only God could do. Not just for the moment, but for salvation.

In the end Mary and Martha and those around them were drawn into a deeper faith and understanding of Jesus.

This is what spoke to me this week. I did not understand why but being given the benefit of having the Bible, God's account of Jesus' life to help me I knew I just needed to trust. God may have seemed silent to me this week but that is only because I was listening with human ears and not my spirit. I'm not saying I expect the same events to play out in our life as this account, but the same heart of God is with us. The same love for us.
This week I learned again it was a time to trust. It was a time to know the character of God and quiet my questions. God is faithful and as we all know sometimes His timing and our timing are not the same.

Websters Dictionary defines faith as a firm belief in something for which there is no proof : complete trust.

God used the events of this week to remind me to walk by faith and not by sight.