Three Years

Dec 17th Marks the third anniversary of Andrea's passing.  This blog is from an email I sent yesterday.

Today I'm Remembering the amazing woman that Andrea was; so thankful to have known and loved her.  I carry her strength and faith with me everyday.

When I first saw Andrea I saw in her eyes all I wanted and needed in life in her eyes .  I saw something I had never seen before.  She was different.  I saw her spirit, her unwavering faith. In my soul I knew I needed what she had.

Over the 27 yrs 7 months and 28 days that followed I saw her live out a faith I have yet to witness in another person. It was so simple for Andrea, she just believed. She hoped with all hope, prayed with fervor, but above all she trusted God.  It was what I saw in her eyes on April 19 1980.

Last month Ginger and I were asked to share our story at a local church.  As I was telling Andrea's story I told of the moment she passed.  I prayed over her and I sang to her a song we used to sing together in our church.

"Here's my life I lay it down, I lay it down I surrender it all to you I surrender it all to you. I let go and give it to you."

Only as I sang in her ear I changed the word "life" with "wife" and "it" with "her"  When I finished that song and stood up the doctor walked in and told me Andrea had passed it was 1:07.

As I shared that story it hit me, I had what I saw in Andrea's eyes on Apr 19.

She had taught me to trust God with my most prized possession, her. I could not have ever sung those words without a faith in my sovereign God. A God Andrea showed me everyday.  I remembered her last words to me as I took her into the ER. "Jim you have to be strong now." Words for the moment but also words I would need for the rest of my life.  I think she knew she was leaving me and she knew how I relied on her and her faith. But I think she saw in me the growth as we battled cancer.  She knew I had to believe and trust on my own.  I think her words were more for today then for that night. She asked me one day, "Jim what are you going to do when this is all over?  You can't believe just because I'm sick because one day this will end and you still have to trust." From the day I first saw her she was preparing me for Dec 17 2007. She summed it up in her last words. "You have to be strong now". Time to face life without her to believe without her, to trust without her because she knew I would not enter heaven because I knew her but because I know Christ.  She introduced me to Him and she left me with him. She poured out her life in sacrifice to introduce us all to a God worthy of our trust. Even when it does not make sense she trusted.  We should do no less.

I know God loves me and you and whatever love we have for Andrea pales in comparison to God's love for her. He never left her, I know He was in the ICU room with us comforting His daughter.

So as I face this day and stop to remember her at 1:07 I will remember her unwavering faith and pray God grants me a drop of the faith Andrea lived everyday. And I will remember she wears a crown today.  I see her happy. I see her beautiful smile and her eyes light up as she received her reward for a faithful life.  A life that changed so many.

I know one day I will see her again because she led me to a personal relationship with Christ. For that I am truly eternally grateful to her. I will never forget her because she changed my life for eternity.

She truly was "A woman of faith"

Blessings to each of you as we celebrate Christ's birth. The greatest gift when God' son took on flesh only to lay it down for us. The gift that Andrea's rejoices in today as she knows, not by faith but by sight, the gift that will one day reunite all of us again. It is not if we will see her again but when we see her, and that more then all my pain and my sadness and beyond my tears is what I remember today. Because that is what I saw I her beautiful blues eyes on April 19th.

In memory of my wife Andrea,

Jim

Remember

I never thought writing on our blog would end up being an annual thing!  Wow, I haven’t posted in a looooong time.  It’s not that there haven’t been many times I have wished to or had things on my heart that I wanted to share.  It has been more about lack of time and energy to do so.  Life is busy with a capital B!  And I guess, in a way, that means a lot of healing has taken place in my heart and in Jim’s heart.  The fact that we are living each year more and more “normally” (whatever that means) must mean something remarkable has happened to allow us to do that.  As Martha Stewart would say, it’s a good thing.

Or is it?

Yesterday, “normal” life hit me hard and the way I responded to it still makes me want to hide my face from God Himself.  He and I have talked and we are okay.  Yet I was compelled to just sit down and type out a bit of it for you (on another change – my Mac laptop!).

Let me say one reason I haven’t blogged in a long time is because I felt this need to catch everyone up.  And frankly that thought just exhausts me.  Suffice to say the Lord is working in our lives and our family.  Jim and I are still finding out who we are as this new couple.  We still work at finding where Andrea and Troy fit into our daily lives.  They are ever present in our hearts.  But what should that look like in our marriage, parenting, etc…?  The kids are doing well.  Jim’s boys had some major life events happen to them this year.  Nic married Kate in the spring.  Anthony began college this fall.  Our Boston will become a teenager next week.  Greyson is learning to cook and play the guitar.  Bella is growing into a full up girl now.  And Aspen and Annalise are teetering on the line of being the little bitty to being a force to be reckoned with! 

There were a lot of emotions as I watched Nic get married and Anthony graduate from High School this year.  Here were two momentous life occasions I know Andrea had been dreaming of since they were little.  My heart hurt at Nic’s wedding, as I knew she should have been there instead of me.  It wasn’t my rightful place.  Yet, in God’s plan, there I was.  It was the first of many occasions for both Jim and I that we must learn how to be these new people He has called us to be.

New.  I have always really liked that word.  New cars, new houses, new adventures, new foods…. It all sounds exciting and full of promise.  But when Christ calls us to be new what does that look like? 

Ephesians 4: 21-24

“Surely you heard of Him (Christ) and were taught in Him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus.  You were taught with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Key phrase in there is “made new in the attitude of your minds”.  See, that is the absolute ONE thing I will tell you should come out of the horrific nightmare that losing a spouse is.  Ok, the ONE thing that should come out of the horrific nightmare that losing a spouse is IF you have walked through it all with Jesus as your fellow sojourner.

Now back to what happened yesterday.  I had a small breakdown.  Jim and I have been discussing the “what’s next” options for his next job.  Seems simple enough.  But really there is so much to it all that it would bore you to tears if you gave you all the details, so let me just say, Jim’s talent and experience can take him many different directions and for the first time he really has some difficult choices to make about career, retirement, etc…

 Now, I have always been the girl that raises her hand if someone is handing out a new idea or adventure to try.  I have had every hairstyle and color combination known to man (woman).  I have successfully loved living and traveling overseas.  I can make quick decisions to change houses, cars, jobs, you name it.  So I don’t know what has gotten into me?  Maybe the fact that my life and my kids’ lives all changed SO dramatically with a simple knock on my door almost four years ago that I am still trying to recover.  In the last four years I lost my husband, I checked “widow” in the status box of my kids’ school forms, I became a single mother of five, I moved to another house, I almost died inside, I began dating for the first time in 15 years, I spoke on national news, I moved to another state, I fell in love, I re-married, I became a stepmother, I moved again, I became a public speaker, ….  Okay, now I remember what has gotten into me- insanity! J

But in and through all that craziness and sorrow, Christ was there.  He was with me.  He was with my children.  He protected me, at times from myself.  He showed me miracles.  He provided for me.  He lifted my head.  He cast out fear.  He loved me through His people on earth.  He gave me wisdom.  He understood my anger.  He restored my health.  He gave me strength.  He gave me light.  He covered my children.  He gave me hope. 

And though at times I questioned it, He showed me He can be trusted and He is faithful and there is nothing under the sun He cannot do for His child.

So, yesterday, after many many talks between Jim and I about our future, about the options, the possibilities, the what-ifs, etc… I found myself crying my eyes out.  I found myself so overwrought with the possibilities, some of which might be hard, all of which are going to require more work and more change, that I felt fear like I haven’t felt in a long time.  I went to the bedroom to curl up in a ball and just wallow in a good dose of frustration and worry (mainly over the kids and what one or more moves will mean to them and what the unknown is doing to me).  Jim came in, with that calm grace that I have seen him exhibit before and sat on the bed and told me this:  “Ginger, one of the biggest things I learned during the four and half years Andrea had cancer was that we can only do so much, then we must just pray, actively research options, wait and trust in what the Lord would reveal eventually.  As a family, we now must do that our future.” 

And you know what my statement was? “I don’t want to have to ask the kids to trust God with any other big thing.  They have already had to trust Him for so many huge things.  It’s just not fair!” 

Oh my goodness.  Did that just come out of my mouth?  Jim tried to comfort me some more then went on to get dinner on the table.  I just lay there and wept.  Now not for my life being uprooted again but for the shame I felt before my Savior.  I told Him, “Lord, I am so ashamed I just said that, that I thought that!”  What on earth did I mean by I did not want my children to have to trust the Lord for anything else?  In the months and now years since Troy’s death, my children and I have learned what walking by faith looks like.  What trust in the Lord with all your heart even when you don’t understand ANYTHING looks like.  We have seen Him miraculously answer our prayers.  We know things we never would have known.  If I want my kids to have all these fabulous experiences in life, like travel or opportunities to do cool things, why on earth would I not all the more want my kids to know Jesus better? To know how it feels to put all their confidence and trust in Him?  You know why?  Because sometimes there is some major pain that precedes it? 

C.S. Lewis said “We’re not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” 

Frankly, I just don’t want to sign myself,  Jim or any of our kids up for the pain route again.  I want to dodge it like a bullet.  That is what I have been working myself silly trying to do with planning for our next move and consequently for the rest of our lives at the same time!

And finally yesterday, fear and the Enemy caught up with me. 

As I lay there many flashbacks of God’s provisions came upon me.  From November 27, 2006 to today, November 2, 2010 I could remember countless ways God brought us through the darkness.  And I just told Him how sorry I was for forgetting.  Just like the Israelites struggled with the same exact thing.  God knew they were going to face some hard times so he warns them over and over to not forget His faithfulness.

Deuteronomy 6:10-12

“When the Lord your God brings you into the land He swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give – a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells you did not dig and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant – then when you eat and are satisfied, be careful that you do not forget the Lord, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery”

Hello to myself!  Flourishing cities, I didn’t build; houses filled with good things I didn’t provide, vineyards and groves I didn’t plant, eating and being satisfied… That’s my life he’s talking about!  Compared to that dark day in November, this November is bright and it is flourishing!  How could I ever for one minute lose sight of that contrast?  Now, you may think I am being hard on myself OR you may think I should still be on my face seeking Jesus because I have obviously lost it! And honestly there were many times the first year after Troy died that I wanted to just smack someone when told me the latter.  Rightfully so.  Because, though they generally had our best interests at heart, when they told me I should be feeling this way or doing that thing I just couldn’t express how incapable I felt.  Not to mention I simply hadn’t gone far enough down the faith road with Jesus yet. I didn’t have all the fulfilled promises to recall that I do now.  And frankly, it was too soon to be telling me anything! J 

 BUT now, now that I am standing further back from the heartache, now that I do have happiness again, now that I have lost count of the good deeds He has done for me,… Now I confess I am in need of some reminding.   

I am reading Mary Beth Curtis Chapman’s new book “Choosing to See”.  It takes a while to get to the part I was wanting to hear about; the tragic accident of her youngest daughter being run over by her second oldest son in their driveway back in 2008.  It is real book about people of real faith who as she puts it “learn to do hard”.  Her oldest son wrote something he read at his little sister’s funeral that I thought quite eloquently, especially for a teenage boy, described all of this: (taken from page 176)

“The only analogy I can come up with is this: it’s like God is an abstract artist…and when you’re real close to a painting like this, it’s hard to focus, it’s blurred and you can’t see what’s going on.  You have to walk really far back, and then the whole painting comes into focus and you can see what the artist was doing..” 

(Incidentally Steven Curtis Chapman’s CD “Beauty Will Rise” is one of the most phenomenal collection of songs on suffering with hope I have ever heard.)

Deuteronomy 8:2-3

“Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commands.  He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.”

I am not saying that my heart doesn’t have any trepidation and that there won’t be many more times when fear and anxiety creep in.  I believe God is compassionate and has a never- ending supply of patience.  He is a Father Himself so I know He is with me as I desire love, security and success in my children’s futures. He doesn’t fault me for wanting a nice home, great schools, an amazing church and friends and satisfying job for Jim.  And when I start trying to figure out the where’s, the how’s, the what’s of the next year I can tell you I want to start making plans like yesterday.   The Lord knows how much upheaval and change my kids have faced and how I want security for them after all they have been through.  And I know we will probably have to yank up our Florida roots and go replant them more than once.   I know it will not be easy for the older kids to understand.  But I do know God gave me a husband and the kids a father not just to fill an empty role but one that gained wisdom from his own longer painful journey to share with us.  Jim and Andrea were forced to learn blind trust one of the hardest ways possible. 

I think Jim and I will spending a lifetime reminding each other to just step back from the abstract mess and look back at the masterpiece God has created in our lives. 

As I was reading verses in Deuteronomy, the Lord showed me one I have honestly no memory of reading until today.  I think He saved it for a time such as this.

Deuteronomy 6:20-23

“In the future, when your son asks you, “What is the meaning of the stipulations, decrees and laws the Lord our God has commanded you?” tell him: ”We were slaves of Pharaoh in Egypt, but the Lord brought us out of Egypt with a might hand.  Before our eyes the Lord sent miraculous signs and wonders – great and terrible – upon Egypt and Pharaoh and his whole household.  But He has brought us out from there to bring us in and give us the land that He promised on oath to our forefathers.”

Thank you Lord!

Andrea's Journal Feb 24 06

                  We went to church last Wednesday night.  At first I was too tried to go and thought about staying home.  Anthony even asked me “Why do we have to go to church on Wednesday, isn’t Sunday the Lord’s Day?”  I told him, “Every day is the Lords day and I need to go to church tonight.  I have to.”  It was as if I had a divine appointment that my spirit knew I had to keep. The music was a blessing.  I think the second song was “Healing cleansing fire of the Lord is in this place.” I believe I have a Father who knows my name, He hears each prayer I pray, and He hears me when I call.  I wanted to close my eyes but I also wanted to sing but I didn’t know all the words.  I was conflicted in my spirit.  I closed my eyes ad began to sing in the spirit the most beautiful love language I ever uttered.  The words flowed from my innermost soul and communicated to my Father my love for Him.  I acknowledged Him for all He is to me.  How He hears every prayer, sees all my tears, and loves me.  I was engulfed in His presence.  I was telling God how I never wanted to leave His presence as the song was ending.  During the sermon I felt the message was directed to me.  It was on devine purpose and started with Romans 8:28, “All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.”

                  Later that night as I laid in bed I felt God was present in my room, just above the window.  Of course I know God is everywhere, but I began to talk to Him and felt a communication with Him.  We talked about many things.  I asked Him to bless the people who have helped me.  I thanked Him for them all and Jim and the boys.  I told Him I don’t want to go to the hospital on Thursday to have the fluid drained from around my lung, but not my will but His be done.  Then I felt Him ask me to be honest and tell Him if I wanted to be used by Him by going to the hospital, was that what I wanted.  I said I really don’t want to but if he wanted me to.  Then I started bargaining saying maybe I could meet whoever I was there for in some other way, maybe I could get a job at the hospital and witness in that way and then I felt Him say,  “uh huh Andrea”...I said I was sorry for trying to meddle in His will.  To which I felt Him say, “I’m asking you what is your heart’s desire?”

                  I told Him “I want to be finished with cancer. I don’t want to go to the hospital.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I want to be healed and glorify God through healing.” I felt contrite when I thought what if a person who was supposed to witness to my sons didn’t want to persevere?  How awful.  I thought about the blessings I may be giving up. I felt so out of strength to carry on. Yet I know God always provides what we need.  

Andrea's Journal March 14 06

Joshua 1:5

  No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Joshua 3:5

  Joshua told the people, "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do amazing things among you."

      

Father, Your mercy endures forever.  I fall on my face before You.  I love You.  Thanks You for giving me my appetite back.  I pray I will gain 3 lbs.  I praise You for who You are.  You created me and You love me.  You have fortified or faith by Your faithfulness.  Today I arise and give You the day.  

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Okay, I know it has been a while sense Ginger and I have posted anything on the blog.  It's not that we have not had anything to post it is just finding the time to sit down and write that has been the issue.  Although life has been busy, we have not forgotten the miracle that is our family. 

One of my goals has been to take Andrea's journal writings and make a book that I could send to the chemo room in North Carolina.  Andrea loved the people there and she always felt a compassion for the other patients who had to endure chemo. She would meet the new patients and offer encouragement as she knew the fear that came with walking into the chemo room for the first time.  I remember when Andrea and I had our first tour of the chemo room.  We walked into this large room of Lazy Boy recliners and I remember hoping we would have our own private room.  We had just been told Andrea had cancer and I think in a way we did not believe it.  You don't see yourself as one of those people in the room as if you don't belong and having a private room is a way of denying the truth that you do belong there. That somehow this is all a mistake and you don't have cancer.  The words the doctor spoke sink on just a little more and your life has forever changed.   

As it turned out being in the chemo room was a blessing, although you want to be alone, that is the last thing you need.  When Jesus faced the cross he asked his closest disciples to pray with Him in the garden, we are not meant to face life's trials alone and having friends in the chemo room turned out to be the greatest blessing to Andrea and me.  So leaving a book of her writings was was my way of continuing Andrea's desire to help others and our way to still be there with them.  

Over the past two weeks I have started transferring Andrea's writings into my computer.  It has been difficult  as I read her words of hope and desire to be healed, but the pages were also filled with trust, wisdom and faith of a Godly woman.  I decided to post some of her writings to the blog during Breast Cancer Awareness month. 

All of these journal entries were written in 2005-2007 when Andrea was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer.  At the time the cancer had spread to her liver, lungs and bones.  There was a lot of growth in our faith over those two years.  There were times of despair, confusion and but God kept giving us a consistent message.  I believe His message was specific to our needs but the example of God's faithfulness and love is what applies to all of us.  I know the end result was not what Andrea nor I wanted, but I pray that does not distract you from words Andrea wrote.  Sometimes life is not about what we want but what a sovereign God desires.  In the end it came down to trust.  I can tell you God provided all we needed just as His word say He will.  I'm not sure what God is asking of you today as you read this blog, but I pray you will know your creator and sovereign God loves you.  He has not left you nor forgotten you

I pray these entries encourage you if you are facing a trial or difficult situation in your life. 

Jim

Andrea's Journal Entry April 3 2006

Nahum 2:1

An attacker advances against you, Nineveh .
       Guard the fortress,
       watch the road,
       brace yourselves,
       marshal all your strength! 

Lord that I may always be alert to the enemy and his tactics to distract and harm me.  Help me to guard my heart and mind so that I don’t become discouraged and forget Your words to me.  “I will be a light in a dark world, I will be a story.  I will minister to people in need.  I will feed Your sheep.”  I love You Lord and thank you.  You are the creator of all things and all people.

You love me and are my Father.  You want to bless me and I am being used by You.  I pray I never receive any glory but that you will be glorified through Jim and me. 

If one person comes to know You it’s worth it all.

I pray we are faithful so that people will see and know You.  Truly it is only by Your grace and mercy that I still stand today.  Thank you for the faith You gave me as a young child. I have needed it more then ever before.  Your grace is sufficient for me to lean on.  Thank you for Your promises Lord. Truly life is a gift from You and You alone.  Thank you Christ Jesus for being willing to die for me.  How frightening it must have been for You in Your humanness and yet the Godliness in You took precedence and You gave Your life for our salvation and our healing.  Help  my faith grow every day.  I know one life is only but one, and yet I give my life to You that others may come to know You.  Spare my life I pray that I may give it up for You.

I love You!

Andrea

God's Miracle, Our Family

Ginger has been away this weekend at a Church retreat.  It was a much needed trip for Ginger.  She was a leader in the woman's ministry in Phoenix and with our two moves in the past two years she has lost that connection.  For me it was a chance to spend a weekend with the kids, also a much needed time for me.  For those of you who do not know the kids it is hard for me to tell you what amazing kids they are without sounding pompous.  

I took the kids to church yesterday and the women checking the kids in said, "Well I so proud of you for taking the kids to church while your wife is at the retreat."  It struck we a little strange, where else would I be?  I would have told her how easy they are but she would not have believed me.  Church is a unique place for Ginger and I.  There are so many ties to Troy and Andrea there.  You always remember worshiping together because it is such a intimate place for a couple.  There you let down every wall with your soulmate and grow in your faith together. You become one spiritually.  But for me it is also a place to remember Troy.  Especially yesterday as I sang with Boston, Greyson and Bella I felt Bella lean into me, I knew she needed the comfort of her dad's arm around her.  It is times like this that I can't help but think of Troy.  There are a few times in our life that I know exactly where Troy would be and in some way know what he would have been feeling. Telling Ginger goodnight on her birthday was one, and holding Bella at church was another.  

Has I held her and thought of Troy, I thought of my role as their dad.  Sometimes that is hard to say because I know Troy was their Dad and even though I  adopted them all and legally I am their dad there is still a respect I owe Troy and I'm sensitive to that.  We talk openly about Troy and Andrea to the kids but especially about Troy because it is important to Ginger and I that we build in the younger kids a memory of Troy.  But God has called me to be their dad.  As we sang this verse came to me.  Now I'm not a Bible scholar and I could be taking this verse out of context but it spoke to me. 

1 Corinthians 3 5-9

What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor. For we are God's fellow workers; you are God's field, God's building.

This verse helped me see Troy's and my role as the kids fathers.  He planted and I will water, together we are the kids dad and together we will raise them.  Our roles were different is many ways but similar in many others.  The goal the same, to teach the kids to love the Lord, to grow up and be Godly men and women.  So as I held Bella I held her as her dad, praying I would live up to the task I have been called to do.  I pray I will make Troy proud.  I know I will make mistakes but hopefully I have learned something from having already raised two boys.  I do know one thing for sure, the time goes by faster then you can imagine and our time to influence the kids is shorter then we think.  So I cherish this weekend, and the time I got to spend with the kids.  They are not a chore, they are my kids and they are a joy to raise.  

As I write this blog there in one last link to my past.  I have Andrea's old computer and for months I have been trying to transfer the files from it onto out new computer.  It has all the emails Andrea wrote as she went through her treatments.  There are pictures, words and music that define a time in my life.  As I type this I'm listening to a playlist titled "believe"  one I made for Andrea of her  favorite songs to encourage her faith.  They played many many times in our house. Another reminder of the immense cost paid for the life we now share.  

I will close with a very touching note from Annalise because I think it ties this blog together perfectly. It shows the uniqueness of our family and the amazing kids Ginger and I are so blessed to raise.  

The girls went to a birthday party yesterday and when they left the mom gave the girls each a helium filled balloon to take home.  This morning the girls were drawing and coloring while the boys and i did chores. (We have to have the house clean for when Mom gets home!)  Anyway, as I was working Bella asked me if she could write a note to God and tie it to the balloon and send it to Him.  This is a small glimpse of what I'm trying to tell you about these kids.  Anyway Bella wrote hers and sent it to God and then she wrote Aspen's and Annalise's for them, tied them to the balloon and brought them to me.  I wanted to read Bella's note but I felt it was personal.  I wish I had after reading Aspen's.  Aspen's said: "Hello God, How is heaven?  What do you wear?  How is daddy?  Tell him we said hello." Tears are in my eyes as I write this.  When Annalise brought me hers I decided to take a picture of it.  I wish I had done the same for Bella and Aspen.

Below is Annalise's note penned by Bella who said I wrote what she said.

It says:

Dear Dad How are you doing.  What do you hear.  Did you meet Ms Andrea.  It was our birthday on February 10, 2010.

Not many 4 and 6 year olds have to take the time to write notes to God and their Daddy in Heaven and even fewer would have the compassion to ask if he had met my wife. 

By the Grace of God, We Will Carry On

As we sang this lyric in worship last week at church, I never thought one week later I would be sitting on an airplane to go help a friend in need. But life is like that. Truly from one week to the next, or as I know well, one moment to the next, our lives can take an unexpected turn. Sometimes, it’s for the better. Like the moment I met Jim. Sometimes, it’s for the worst, like the moment I got that knock at my door. Often it comes in the form of a phone call from a friend. Jim and I received two such phone calls in one week. The second one is the reason I am on this plane. All I can say for now is I have some friends in marital crisis. I am no marital counselor but I can stand witness to them that God is BIG enough even when our faith isn’t and He can overcome the worst of situations for His glory and for our good.

The first phone call was to tell us that a good friend of Jim and Andrea’s was killed while jogging one Saturday morning. Her name was Terri. I met her only once yet she held a special place in my heart. Three years ago, almost to the exact day she died, she forwarded Jim and Andrea’s ICU email update to my friend, Jennifer, and Jennifer forwarded it to me. That email where Jim talked about God being God. And that no matter if our circumstances changed He remained the same. The day I first heard of the amazing, brave couple named Jim and Andrea Ravella. My fingers still easily type their names together as I remember emailing them that year. They are still written in my address book under “R” as Jim and Andrea Ravella. Troy’s address in Balad is still written in there as well. I can’t seem to make myself mark either of them out. Like doing so would be disrespectful or something. Strange, I guess. The other day I signed my name Ginger Gilbert. It’s habit from years of writing it. Occasionally Jim will call me Andrea or I call him Troy. We smile and correct ourselves. It’s all part of the new normal.

Terri left behind her husband, Dave and their three children ages 7, 4 and 3 years old. The youngest is a precious little girl with Down’s Syndrome. Terri was yet another amazingly strong Christian who left behind a legacy of faithfulness and devotion to the Lord. Troy, Andrea, Sara and now Terri. I didn’t know her hardly at all but I wept for Dave and their children. I wondered if Andrea would greet her friend at Heaven’s door or wait until after Terri spent her time with Jesus?

Now I sit on a plane wondering what on earth I will tell my friend to encourage her in her faith and in her situation? I put my trust in Jesus when I was 9 years old. And I am not stopping now. He, alone, can make all things new. He, alone, has enough mercy, power, strength, love and grace to help us carry on.

Is it just me or maybe I am just more aware of it now….? This world is painful! Praise God it’s only a temporary address. Maybe it has to do with age. (40 is knocking loudly on my door!) Maybe the longer I live I have now begun to accumulate stories of suffering. I am not sure of the reason but I see so much sadness all around me. However, I am confident, the One holding the hand of those in the midst of that pain is the Hand of the only One that can heal it.

Psalm 108:6

"Save us and help us with Your right hand, that those You love may be delivered."

Psalm 138:7-8

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; You stretch Your hand against the anger of my foes, with Your right hand You save me.  The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me..."

I remember reading this scripture and literally holding out my hand as I cried out to the Lord to grasp it. I remember wondering which hand do I hold out so that it will be His right hand that would grasp it. This thought proved to be challenging to me considering I was distraught, grief-stricken and tired that I couldn’t tell my right from my left. I was working at taking the Scriptures very literally so I certainly didn’t want to mess anything up on my end. I so wanted to feel His tender touch. The strength of His grip. My bony frail shaking hand enveloped in his mighty yet gentle reassuring touch. Did I ever feel Him stretching down from Heavenly places to do that? No. Well, yes. He did through other people, through the promises of His Word, through unexplainable circumstances of mercy or genorisity or compassion that would “touch” me or the kids in our weakest moments. Those things that get you through to the next moment where you can breathe a little easier.

Carrying on as it were. Don’t misunderstand. I did always want to carry on. When life punches us in the stomach and knocks the wind out of us, our first instinct is always “I can’t possibly carry on”. I can’t speak for anyone other than myself or Jim. But I can promise you, there wasn’t always the spring in our step we have today. I remember digging my heals in so deep I must have left marks in the carpet. I shouted to God. I DO NOT WANT TO CARRY ON! But, deep in my heart, I knew I had no choice but to carry on. My choice came later. HOW I carried on was up to me.

I drew inspiration from many others who walked my journey before me.  People like Pastor Steve, Marlo and others.  Characters in the Bible like David, Paul, Abraham and Job.

Job 6:10-11

“At least I can take comfort in this; Despite the pain, I have not denied the words of the Holy One. But I do not have the strength to endure. I do not have a goal that encourages me to carry on.”

I love Job. He just says it like it is. No dancing around the issue at hand or trying to fake it. Real honesty. But obviously as we read on, Job later chooses that he must carry on… Not that he doesn’t grapple with God’s ways or struggle with God’s decisions. He does.

Job 6:10-11

“At least I can take comfort in this; Despite the pain, I have not denied the words of the Holy One. But I do not have the strength to endure. I do not have a goal that encourages me to carry on.”

Job 30:15-16

“ I live in terror now. They hold me in contempt, and my prosperity has vanished as a cloud before a strong wind. And now my heart is broken. Depression haunts my days.”

Job 29:18

"I thought, `Surely I will die surrounded by my family after a long, good life.”

Job 16:2-5

"I have heard all this before. What miserable comforters you are! Won't you ever stop your flow of foolish words? What have I said that makes you speak so endlessly? I could say the same things if you were in my place. I could spout off my criticisms against you and shake my head at you. But that's not what I would do. I would speak in a way that helps you. I would try to take away your grief.

He listens to his so-called friends do their best to beat him down even further. He talks and talks and talks.

And when he is finished. God spoke.

Job 38:4

“Where were you, Job, when I laid the foundations of the earth?”

Job 38:24

“Where is the path to the origin of light? Where is the home of the east wind?"

God basically tells Job “I am God and you are not. So, in that, you must trust Me, no matter what. I have the answers and you don’t, Job. Now go pray for your miserable excuse for friends and hang on, because I am going to bless your socks off!” (This was my paraphrase of course)

Job 42:17

" Then he (Job) died, an old man who had lived a long, good life. "

I always remembered that Job questioned God but Job never denounced God. He never turned his back on God even when he felt God had turned His back on him. For that reason alone, Job gets an A+ in my book. I don’t think most people truly get Job until they feel like Job.

This Christmas, for the first time, I allowed the children to watch the video Troy had made of himself in Iraq. I have held onto it for three years waiting for the right time. The time when I thought the kids had healed enough but yet soon enough that they would never feel like I put their perfectly wonderful daddy on a shelf somewhere. Actually, when we had all healed enough to sit down together and soak it in.

As I have mentioned before, Troy made a video of himself to give to the kids for Christmas while he was deployed to Iraq. He mailed it the week prior to his crash. It was and will continue to be the last we moments we ever “heard or saw” of him in this life. He read books to the children that he had checked out from the Balad AFB library. He sat on the roof of a building with his mandatory machine gun strapped to his back, pulled up a metal folding chair and began reading “ Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus”. It was a sweet sight. He continued on from his bedroom/trailer and finished reading books to the kids and then the Christmas story from the Bible, which was our tradition. I remember the first time I watched it, I cried so hard that when I finally stopped and listened to the soothing sound of his voice it made me sort of calm and sleepy

Jim had a fabulous idea that we should hunt down each of the books’ titles on Amazon and pass them out to the kids before showing them the video. That way they could follow along as their dad read them stories for the last time. It was special to say the least. The kids and I laid on the bed and Jim sat beside us in the wing chair and we all shared a most unique experience of tangibly connecting our past and present in a very real way for the kids. Carrying on. By the grace of God.

I am returning home tonight. A long day. Visiting with my friend. Holding her. Crying with her. Listening to her. Praying with her. The on-your-knees-kind. She and her husband are like family to me. They were always there for me. Now it’s my turn. Though I have not been in either of their shoes, I know what walking around with your heart hanging out can do to a person. It’s exhausting. Though, I know God is able to carry us as we carry on. I reminded her God is still in the business of turning beauty from ashes.

Isaiah 61:3

“…and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.”

Kids Update

Today Ginger is out of town visiting a friend and I'm at home handling my first ever solo Sunday with the kids. I managed to get to church on time which was minor compared to the real feat of the day...putting bows in the twins hair. That was a first and although not easy the girls talked me through it. Aspen was quick to tell me "it is not tight enough" and Bella told me the technique of separating the hair apart to force the rubber band down lower. After that I went to our bathroom and got a few bottles of Ginger hair spray and attempted to cover up my handy work of loose and crooked bows. In the end it was a success, at least I thought so.  Looking at the picture below I'm not so sure the hair spray had th affect I was hoping for!  It seems I got the wet dog look on Aspen.  I also have to confess that it was about 38 this morning when I took this picture in the church parking lot. Guess I should have had jackets on the kids. Sorry Ginger...see we do need you!

Another accomplishment of the day was I learned how to post videos on our blog.  I got a new iPhone for Christmas well actually Ginger did but I gave her my old one and I kept the new one.  The great thing is I can take videos now with my phone and her are a few of the kids.  For those of you who have not seen them in a while they are growing up fast.

This is the girls playing dress up one day.  They requested a video of them twirling.  Not sure why but girls love to twirl but they do!  I love Bella's Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis look with the glasses.

This one is the girls 4th Birthday party.  I met them on their second birthday hard to believe it has been two years!

This is another Birthday video. 

Next are two videos of Greyson playing basketball.  He loves basketball and if you look closely you will see his huge smile as he plays.  Every time he gets the ball his face lights up with that smile.  I love to watch him play he is just having so much fun you can't help but smile along with him.

My Struggles and My Joys

  Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 

In my last blog I said I was going to write about my next anniversary...the day Ginger and I met.  I had intended to write this blog during the Christmas break when "I had a lot of free time."  Well it is Jan 9th and I finally sitting down to write, I guess I did not have as much free time as I thought. So I sit down at 6am on Saturday morning and begin a blog I have wanted to write but struggled with for a while.

I think there is a reason it has taken me this long to write this blog.  I have always written with honesty because this blog is as much a record for me to read as it is for others.  It is difficult to lose a spouse, but for me it was not so much the obvious pains you think about it has been difficult in other ways that I did not anticipate.  Maybe it was the 4+year struggle with death that made the moment of losing Andrea less traumatic. It has taken me this long to write this blog in part because it has taken me this long to understand my feelings.  Maybe if I had gone to counseling I would have understood this sooner, but that is water under the bridge.  Maybe this blog is my counseling.

I'm sure if you have read this blog very long you have noticed my blogs reflect backwards on my life with Andrea.  I have felt a sense of loyalty to Andrea and in some way to write about Ginger is to cheat on Andrea.  I understand the word “cheat” may seem out of place here but I can’t think of another word to describe my feelings.  Andrea was my first girlfriend, my first love, and I thought she would be my last.  Never did I think my life would exist without her.  Yet it does.  And that has been my struggle.  How do I live happy again without the guilt, as if I have benefited by losing Andrea. That somehow I could be so happy at the cost of Andrea and the life I had with her.  For certain there is a struggle to ever feel happier then I did before.  That seems totally wrong.  How could I ever compare my life with Andrea to life with Ginger?  I think it is in part is what makes it difficult for me to write a blog about my life with Ginger.  This has been one of my greatest struggles after losing Andrea, the one that has taken me the longest to work through.  This blog is the beginning of that process for me because I want you to know how blessed I am to have Ginger in my life. My love for Andrea was unique and one I thought I would never have again.  Not because it was impossible but because I did not think God would bless me so abundantly again.  There are so many examples of marriages that struggle so much divorce how could I be blessed with a marriage like I had with Andrea twice.  It just seemed as if I was asking too much from God.  I should be happy to have loved once in a lifetime and accept a “normal” existence.  To expect a marriage like I had with Andrea just seemed greedy.   Yet the love I feel from Ginger, and the love I feel for her has the same depth as I had with Andrea.  Of course we are still getting to know each other, and truthfully that leads to disagreements and laughter as we both learn that we are not as normal as we thought.  It is the natural process of becoming one, the same process I went though with Andrea early in our marriage.  And I think that is key.  I have to remember that I cannot compare my 20 months of marriage with Ginger to my 24+years of marriage to Andrea. 

Another reason I think struggle is because of the time I met Ginger.  I’ll be the first to admit it; I looked as though I had lost my mind when I decided to marry Ginger.  I know it was very fast and I know it hurt people; sadly it hurt my boys the most.  And truthfully theirs are the only feelings I care about.  I would have never planned to meet Ginger so soon, but I did.  Maybe I would not have this conflict in my life if there were 1-2 years between losing Andrea and meeting Ginger.  Maybe, but at what cost?  God’s direction in our life does not always fit our acceptable timelines.  Maybe if I suffered longer, maybe if I had paid a bigger price I would feel I earned the right to love again.  But you can ask Ginger what it is like to suffer alone.  I think she would tell you if she could have ended her loneliness sooner she would have.  If she could have put her life back together sooner she would have.  So what is the right answer, I would tell you there is no right answer. There is no “right” way to loose a spouse and no “right” way to remarry afterwards.  Just as there is no right way to meet your first spouse.  I’m sure many of you reading this blog had parents or friends who thought you were making a mistake when you decided to get married.  I know my family did when I met Andrea.  I never intended to fall in love that quick, nor did I meet Ginger with the intent of starting a romantic relationship.  I met her because we shared a common pain.  When you loose a spouse you are suddenly thrown into a new social group, Widows and Widowers.   You share a common experience that others cannot relate to.  I’m not saying this to be mean or exclusive but if you have not lost your spouse you just can’t fully understand.  It is the reason I apologized to Ginger in my first email after Andrea died, because in that moment I realized how little I understood about her loss. I had been trying to offer her comfort when I really did not comprehend what she was going through.  Even though Andrea and I were facing death everyday I was not qualified to offer advice because I did so out of ignorance.  Don’t get me wrong I was giving Ginger my best advice and I thought I was relating to her just has many people did for me and that advice and help is very needed, it is just that once you go thru that loss you realize how different it is and how you can never fully grasp the pain, the suffering and the feelings unless you have walked that path.  Once I lost Andrea I needed to meet Ginger because I knew she understood what I was feeling. I knew that because I had read her emails over the past year. I now understood the pain she expressed in her words.  I understood it because I was now a member of the same fraternity.  It was out of that shared experience that our relationship grew, and it did not begin on Dec 25^th 2007 that was just the day we laid eyes on each other, it actually began the day Ginger emailed Andrea and me.  We shared conversations that were far deeper then most email acquaintances would ever share.  Ginger shared her deepest and most personal fears with us and we tried, best we could, to offer our words of encouragement and the faith God was growing in Andrea and me.  So yes our relationship moved far faster then “normal” but it started from a shared experience of pain and suffering.  It was founded upon our faith, a faith we had shared with each other over 11 months.  I knew the most important thing about Ginger and that was she was a believer and I knew everything else would fall into place if we had that at the core of our relationship. 

I think the final reason I struggle is because Ginger is so beautiful.  I know that may seem strange; most men would find no problem with a stunningly beautiful wife. As an older bald guy she just seemed out of my league and it seemed impossible for someone like Ginger to love me.  I felt inadequate.  I also thought people would see me as someone who married Ginger solely for her looks.  It could not be farther from the truth.  I fell in love with Ginger because she was my soul mate and I needed her.  Maybe I worry too much about what others think but I don’t want someone to look at me and think I’m just another mid life crisis with a young wife.  That cheapens the amazing thing God did in our lives.

It was all these emotions that I have struggled with that in many ways have kept me from writing this blog. That was a longer introduction then I intended to write but I think it is important to explain my thoughts. 

Dec 25^th 2007, eight days after I lost Andrea, four days after her funeral, not when I expected to meet my next wife, but I did.  I had just left Wichita Falls where I was staying with Andrea’s family.  I wrote a blog the night before we met, titled “a First and a Last” posted on Dec 24^th 2007.  I was leaving Dallas to go to my sisters house for a few days and Ginger was with her parents who were moving from Clovis NM to San Angelo TX and she was on her way to Dallas to see her best friend Amy. 

Actually I had first met Ginger Jan 2006 via email.  I had sent an email update on Andrea when she went into the ICU for the first time.  That email found it’s way to Ginger who was struggling with losing Troy.  She wrote Andrea and I and over the next 11 months we shared emails about once a month.  They were emails about Ginger’s struggles, her pain, grief and faith.  They were at times very difficult to read because of the depth of pain expressed in her words.   Andrea and I would pray and try to find the right words to encourage Ginger, but I will tell you it seemed impossible to find the words to tell her that “it is going to be okay” How could you say that?  She had lost her husband, and strong Christian and loving husband.  What words can you tell a mom left alone to raise five kids?  They had a marriage very similar to ours and that made it all the more difficult to offer her comfort.  I remember my first email to her after Andrea died.  Ginger had written and just told me how sorry she was.  My response was I’m sorry if I had said anything that offended her.  I thought I knew what she had been going through losing Troy but in reality I had no idea.  It was one thing to live with the threat of death and a totally different thing to face the reality of death. 

So when Ginger and I realized we would be in Dallas at the same time we decided it was time for us to meet in person for the first time.  As it turned out her best friend Amy lived about 2 miles from my sisters house.  We met in the Four Seasons parking lot.  I remember talking to Ginger as we drove to meet.  As we were talking I realized she was in the car in front of pulling into the parking lot.  We really didn’t know what each other looked like other then a few pictures I saw of Ginger online and a short video of Ginger when she spoke to the media about Troy.  I remember fallowing her car into the parking lot, her Mom’s white Toyota Four Runner.  I remember thinking I was about to met someone I felt I already knew I had just never seen her.  We ended up talking for about 20 minutes in the parking lot.  We had intended to go get something to eat until we both realized it was Christmas day and nothing was open.  You tend to forget about holidays or really you tend to block them out after you loose a spouse because holidays are just a huge reminder of your loss.  Anyway, we decided to go to my sister’s house for dinner.  Remember it was Christmas dinner and Ginger was suddenly thrown into what would be a very uncomfortable situation.  But my family (two brothers and their wives and my sister and her husband and their three kids) were very welcoming and Ginger of course Ginger held her self with great poise. To be truthful I think it was a little uncomfortable for everyone.  My sister had set the most beautiful table with China, and silver. Keep in mind I’m the youngest child in my family and the youngest person there were my sisters kids who were in college.  I remember after dinner we were sitting in the living room having wine and talking politics (a normal for my family) Ginger leaned over a said, “This is nothing like my life.”  Looking back it makes me smile, because I know now that Ginger was still in the throws of potty training the twins and her oldest was only 10.  You did not sit down to a table of china nor do you drink wine and talk politics after dinner with 5 kids under 10 years old.  Ginger left that night and the following day we met for coffee.  I remember waiting for Ginger and having the oil changed in my car.  As I sat in the waiting room I began to write to Ginger things about me.  My strengths, my weaknesses, my likes and dislikes, who I was, and what I hoped for in life.  I’m not sure why I would have told that to someone I had just met but I did.  I kept that page of notes; it is in my Bible and every once in a while I pull it out and remember that day in December. 

It is hard to believe it has been two years since we met.  I’m still adjusting to my new life, but I knew God had brought us together and I know He has plans for our life.  I’m very proud to be Ginger’s husband.  I’m thankful we met Dec 25^th 2007 and I humbled by her love for me. 

Yes we have gone though some adjustments getting to know each other, but they are mostly minor things. And yes it is more difficult to learn about each other when you are newlyweds with 6 kids in the house.  But I can tell you this, when I look into Ginger’s eyes, I feel the same love and adoration that I did when I looked into Andrea’ eyes.  I never thought that could happen to me again.  I felt God had blessed me once and I did not deserve such love again.  And truthfully I probably don’t deserve to be loved so deeply, so purely as I am with Ginger, but thankfully God does not feel that way. He has given me life again a life I am very happy to live.  And in the end it is that happiness and laughter that we share that reminds me of God’s amazing grace. 

Isaiah 55:8-9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

My Struggles and My Joys

  Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 

In my last blog I said I was going to write about my next anniversary...the day Ginger and I met.  I had intended to write this blog during the Christmas break when "I had a lot of free time."  Well it is Jan 9th and I finally sitting down to write, I guess I did not have as much free time as I thought. So I sit down at 6am on Saturday morning and begin a blog I have wanted to write but struggled with for a while.

I think there is a reason it has taken me this long to write this blog.  I have always written with honesty because this blog is as much a record for me to read as it is for others.  It is difficult to lose a spouse, but for me it was not so much the obvious pains you think about it has been difficult in other ways that I did not anticipate.  Maybe it was the 4+year struggle with death that made the moment of losing Andrea less traumatic. It has taken me this long to write this blog in part because it has taken me this long to understand my feelings.  Maybe if I gad gone to counseling I would have understood this sooner, but that is water under the bridge.  Maybe this blog is my counseling?

I'm sure if you have read this blog very long you have noticed my blogs reflect backwards on my life with Andrea.  I have felt a sense of loyalty to Andrea and in some way to write about Ginger is to cheat on Andrea.  I understand the word “cheat” may seem out of place here but I can’t think of another word to describe my feelings.  Andrea was my first girlfriend, my first love, and I thought she would be my last.  Never did I think my life would exist without her.  Yet it does.  And that has been my struggle.  How do I live happy again without the guilt, as if I have benefited by losing Andrea. That somehow I could be so happy at the cost of Andrea and the life I had with her.  For certain there is a struggle to ever feel happier then I did before.  That seems totally wrong.  How could I ever compare my life with Andrea to life with Ginger?  I think it is in part is what makes it difficult for me to write a blog about my life with Ginger.  This has been one of my greatest struggles after losing Andrea, the one that has taken me the longest to work through.  This blog is the beginning of that process for me because I want you to know how blessed I am to have Ginger in my life. My love for Andrea was unique and one I thought I would never have again.  Not because it was impossible but because I did not think God would bless me so abundantly again.  There are so many examples of marriages that struggle so much divorce how could I be blessed with a marriage like I had with Andrea twice.  It just seemed as if I was asking too much from God.  I should be happy to have loved once in a lifetime and accept a “normal” existence.  To expect a marriage like I had with Andrea just seemed greedy.   Yet the love I feel from Ginger, and the love I feel for her has the same depth as I had with Andrea.  Of course we are still getting to know each other, and truthfully that leads to disagreements and laughter as we both learn that we are not as normal as we thought.  It is the natural process of becoming one, the same process I went though with Andrea early in our marriage.  And I think that is key.  I have to remember that I cannot compare my 20 months of marriage with Ginger to my 24+years of marriage to Andrea. 

Another reason I think struggle is because of the time I met Ginger.  I’ll be the first to admit it; I looked as though I had lost my mind when I decided to marry Ginger.  I know it was very fast and I know it hurt people; sadly it hurt my boys the most.  And truthfully theirs are the only feelings I care about.  I would have never planned to meet Ginger so soon, but I did.  Maybe I would not have this conflict in my life if there were 1-2 years between losing Andrea and meeting Ginger.  Maybe, but at what cost?  God’s direction in our life does not always fit our acceptable timelines.  Maybe if I suffered longer, maybe if I had paid a bigger price I would feel I earned the right to love again.  But you can ask Ginger what it is like to suffer alone.  I think she would tell you if she could have ended her loneliness sooner she would have.  If she could have put her life back together sooner she would have.  So what is the right answer, I would tell you there is no right answer. There is no “right” way to loose a spouse and no “right” way to remarry afterwards.  Just as there is no right way to meet your first spouse.  I’m sure many of you reading this blog had parents or friends who thought you were making a mistake when you decided to get married.  I know my family did when I met Andrea.  I never intended to fall in love that quick, nor did I meet Ginger with the intent of starting a romantic relationship.  I met her because we shared a common pain.  When you loose a spouse you are suddenly thrown into a new social group, Widows and Widowers.   You share a common experience that others cannot relate to.  I’m not saying this to be mean or exclusive but if you have not lost your spouse you just can’t fully understand.  It is the reason I apologized to Ginger in my first email after Andrea died, because in that moment I realized how little I understood about her loss. I had been trying to offer her comfort when I really did not comprehend what she was going through.  Even though Andrea and I were facing death everyday I was not qualified to offer advice because I did so out of ignorance.  Don’t get me wrong I was giving Ginger my best advice and I thought I was relating to her just has many people did for me and that advice and help is very needed, it is just that once you go thru that loss you realize how different it is and how you can never fully grasp the pain, the suffering and the feelings unless you have walked that path.  Once I lost Andrea I needed to meet Ginger because I knew she understood what I was feeling. I knew that because I had read her emails over the past year. I now understood the pain she expressed in her words.  I understood it because I was now a member of the same fraternity.  It was out of that shared experience that our relationship grew, and it did not begin on Dec 25^th 2007 that was just the day we laid eyes on each other, it actually began the day Ginger emailed Andrea and me.  We shared conversations that were far deeper then most email acquaintances would ever share.  Ginger shared her deepest and most personal fears with us and we tried, best we could, to offer our words of encouragement and the faith God was growing in Andrea and me.  So yes our relationship moved far faster then “normal” but it started from a shared experience of pain and suffering.  It was founded upon our faith, a faith we had shared with each other over 11 months.  I knew the most important thing about Ginger and that was she was a believer and I knew everything else would fall into place if we had that at the core of our relationship. 

I think the final reason I struggle is because Ginger is so beautiful.  I know that may seem strange; most men would find no problem with a stunningly beautiful wife. As an older bald guy she just seemed out of my league and it seemed impossible for someone like Ginger to love me.  I felt inadequate.  I also thought people would see me as someone who married Ginger solely for her looks.  It could not be farther from the truth.  I fell in love with Ginger because she was my soul mate and I needed her.  Maybe I worry too much about what others think but I don’t want someone to look at me and think I’m just another mid life crisis with a young wife.  That cheapens the amazing thing God did in our lives.

It was all these emotions that I have struggled with that in many ways have kept me from writing this blog. That was a longer introduction then I intended to write but I think it is important to explain my thoughts. 

Dec 25^th 2007, eight days after I lost Andrea, four days after her funeral, not when I expected to meet my next wife, but I did.  I had just left Wichita Falls where I was staying with Andrea’s family.  I wrote a blog the night before we met, titled “a First and a Last” posted on Dec 24^th 2007.  I was leaving Dallas to go to my sisters house for a few days and Ginger was with her parents who were moving from Clovis NM to San Angelo TX and she was on her way to Dallas to see her best friend Amy. 

Actually I had first met Ginger Jan 2006 via email.  I had sent an email update on Andrea when she went into the ICU for the first time.  That email found it’s way to Ginger who was struggling with losing Troy.  She wrote Andrea and I and over the next 11 months we shared emails about once a month.  They were emails about Ginger’s struggles, her pain, grief and faith.  They were at times very difficult to read because of the depth of pain expressed in her words.   Andrea and I would pray and try to find the right words to encourage Ginger, but I will tell you it seemed impossible to find the words to tell her that “it is going to be okay” How could you say that?  She had lost her husband, and strong Christian and loving husband.  What words can you tell a mom left alone to raise five kids?  They had a marriage very similar to ours and that made it all the more difficult to offer her comfort.  I remember my first email to her after Andrea died.  Ginger had written and just told me how sorry she was.  My response was I’m sorry if I had said anything that offended her.  I thought I knew what she had been going through losing Troy but in reality I had no idea.  It was one thing to live with the threat of death and a totally different thing to face the reality of death. 

So when Ginger and I realized we would be in Dallas at the same time we decided it was time for us to meet in person for the first time.  As it turned out her best friend Amy lived about 2 miles from my sisters house.  We met in the Four Seasons parking lot.  I remember talking to Ginger as we drove to meet.  As we were talking I realized she was in the car in front of pulling into the parking lot.  We really didn’t know what each other looked like other then a few pictures I saw of Ginger online and a short video of Ginger when she spoke to the media about Troy.  I remember fallowing her car into the parking lot, her Mom’s white Toyota Four Runner.  I remember thinking I was about to met someone I felt I already knew I had just never seen her.  We ended up talking for about 20 minutes in the parking lot.  We had intended to go get something to eat until we both realized it was Christmas day and nothing was open.  You tend to forget about holidays or really you tend to block them out after you loose a spouse because holidays are just a huge reminder of your loss.  Anyway, we decided to go to my sister’s house for dinner.  Remember it was Christmas dinner and Ginger was suddenly thrown into what would be a very uncomfortable situation.  But my family (two brothers and their wives and my sister and her husband and their three kids) were very welcoming and Ginger of course Ginger held her self with great poise. To be truthful I think it was a little uncomfortable for everyone.  My sister had set the most beautiful table with China, and silver. Keep in mind I’m the youngest child in my family and the youngest person there were my sisters kids who were in college.  I remember after dinner we were sitting in the living room having wine and talking politics (a normal for my family) Ginger leaned over a said, “This is nothing like my life.”  Looking back it makes me smile, because I know now that Ginger was still in the throws of potty training the twins and her oldest was only 10.  You did not sit down to a table of china nor do you drink wine and talk politics after dinner with 5 kids under 10 years old.  Ginger left that night and the following day we met for coffee.  I remember waiting for Ginger and having the oil changed in my car.  As I sat in the waiting room I began to write to Ginger things about me.  My strengths, my weaknesses, my likes and dislikes, who I was, and what I hoped for in life.  I’m not sure why I would have told that to someone I had just met but I did.  I kept that page of notes; it is in my Bible and every once in a while I pull it out and remember that day in December. 

It is hard to believe it has been two years since we met.  I’m still adjusting to my new life, but I knew God had brought us together and I know He has plans for our life.  I’m very proud to be Ginger’s husband.  I’m thankful we met Dec 25^th 2007 and I humbled by her love for me. 

Yes we have gone though some adjustments getting to know each other, but they are mostly minor things. And yes it is more difficult to learn about each other when you are newlyweds with 6 kids in the house.  But I can tell you this, when I look into Ginger’s eyes, I feel the same love and adoration that I did when I looked into Andrea’ eyes.  I never thought that could happen to me again.  I felt God had blessed me once and I did not deserve such love again.  And truthfully I probably don’t deserve to be loved so deeply, so purely as I am with Ginger, but thankfully God does not feel that way. He has given me life again a life I am very happy to live.  And in the end it is that happiness and laughter that we share that reminds me of God’s amazing grace. 

Isaiah 55:8-9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.