I wrote this on Aug 21 2005.
I felt after Andrea’s first treatment in Alaska that I could now handle life. I felt like getting back to "normal" was a sign of healing. That life without the intensity of cancer and the need for such an intense spiritual life was what I needed. As if after this trial was over my growing and learning was complete. I reality my growth as a believer will only be complete when I stand before Jesus and not before. Until that time I need to continue to grow and to seek God, to serve God and to become more Christ like. I’m never complete as long as I live in a sinful world in a body with a sinful nature. My pride was that I thought I was complete after a trial was over and it was back to business as usual, until the next trial came along when I would see my inadequacies and inabilities. At which point I would call on God and bring Him out of the box I had placed Him in. On the cover of the box was written, “Break glass in case of emergency.”
I’m learning that I’m never complete, never done growing in my faith, nor do I want to be. When I think I’m done I limit my potential and I limit how God can use me. God, you are not for emergency use only, you are for day to day life. You love us that much, that you care about our everyday life. This is a mystery to us. God’s love and the depth and limits of God’s love. How far does it go? When does our life or the events in our life become trivial to you God? Is there a threshold of importance where God becomes involved or interested in our life? For us we need to ask: “Where do we draw the line?” Where do we take over and where do we allow God to take over? The answer lies in our own limits. Most likely it is at whatever point we feel overwhelmed or inadequate for the job at hand. You see we all face trials some are larger then others. Some we ask for God’s help some we just push our way through. I think that attitude is like what I did, putting God in a box only to be used in case of emergency. When we feel the challenge is beyond our capabilities. I think God cares about every aspect of our life. I think the God I serve is so huge and he could hang the stars and call them by name yet care about the smallest detail of my life. I think that seeing God in any other way is pride and it makes God smaller then He is. I think God can do everything. I don’t want God to be incapable of caring about events in my life, no matter how small they may seem. Because when I face a trail I want God to be big enough to handle my toughest challenge because I knew He was big enough to handle my smallest one. I serve a God who cares about me. There is no issue to big for God nor is there an issue to small for God. We may look at someone and say “I could never make it through that trial.” And that may be true if it was just our own will power that we relied on to make it through a trial. But when we serve the creator of the universe and we know He loved us so much that he sent His only son to die for our sins, to pay the price of mankind’s sin nature. When we know that God knows the words before we speak, then surly He can handle any problem, no matter how big or how small. We just have to allow God to be in our life, in the big and the small areas. If we open our life completely to God’s authority and we live a life abandoned to His will we will find a God who cares about the smallest detail of our life. It is only when we shut Him out, by our free will and do not allow God into areas of our life that we feel God does not care.
Lord, help me grow in my understanding of you. Give me wisdom to seek you, and discernment to know you from the counterfeit gods of this world. Lord, help me to live a life abandoned to you. Help me not only start my day before your throne and end it there, but help me to live my life before your throne. God I want you to be all you are, not all I can imagine or all I want to allow. I want you to be the God of every part of my life. I want to live in the shadow of your wings and never have to run in a panic to your throne, looking for the emergency handle marked, “break glass in case of emergency.”