Point of View

I wrote this blog on Nov 12 2005, four months into Andrea's treatment for metastatic cancer.

Andrea's tumor marker was up yesterday to 180, 40 more then when we started over 140 above "normal." It was hard to hear and I felt sad for us and for Andrea. Then I got on my knees with Andrea and we had a great time of prayer and Communion. Problems just melt away when you get on your knees and pray. As I prayed I thought of this, what did Jesus think and feel as He looked down from the cross, and what did the Disciples think and feel as they looked up at Jesus. In those moments what went through their minds?

What did Jesus think as He was led away to die? What did He think as He was nailed to the cross in front of everyone. What did He think as the cross was stood up and he hung there to die? I imagined He just wanted to say this to the disciples, "Wait." All while He had to watch them scatter as they ran away with a feeling of helplessness. He tried to tell them what was going to happen. If they had listened they would have faced the events of Jesus' trial and death for what they were, necessary and temporary.

Jesus knew what they were about go through. He understood the emotion of loss. He knew they were going to be confused, angry, alone wondering what was happening, why, doubting all they had seen and heard. He knew Peter would be so sacred and confused he would deny Him. The same Christ Peter vowed to die for. What did Jesus think as He looked down seeing all this take place, knowing all this would take place. I think He hurt more for them then He did for His own suffering. I think He wanted to say, "Don't worry and don't doubt, remember, remember who I am and what I told you. I will be right back, and this pain is only temporary."

Yet the disciples had to go through this. They had to see Jesus handed over, beaten and killed. They did not have the faith to lead the church...yet. They did not fully understand who Jesus was...but they would. They would see Jesus resurrected His hands His feet and then they would understand.

Imagine the emotions the Disciples felt in those three days. After watching Jesus taken watching Jesus helpless before man. What did they feel hearing the crowds praise Jesus as He road into Jerusalem then hearing the crowds cry out "Crucify Him!" What did the Disciples feel watching Jesus hang on the cross slowly dying right before their eyes? Did they doubt? Did they believe what the people were saying, "If you are the son of God save yourself. You saved others why can't He save Himself?" Were they struggling with what they were seeing and hearing with what Jesus did and said in the past? Was it hard for them to reconcile Jesus walking on the water with Jesus hanging on the cross?

Do we feel the same way in our own life? Have we experienced God in our life, had prayers answered? Those times where we knew God was with us. Maybe when we got the job we wanted, the raise. Maybe it was healing, a safe return from the war. Maybe it was a good nights sleep, or a good grade on a test. What did we do when we "Saw Christ on the cross?" When life did not go as we anticipated? Did we scatter and hide? Did we deny Him? Did we question Him? Did we doubt, wondering why God was silent as we called out? Why do we face this trial, this cancer, this illness, this death? Where is God? Does He not love us? Is He powerless or defeated?

This is how I felt at times during our trial. Christ seemed to be nailed to the cross before me, and I was left alone. It seemed as God was silent, just as Christ was silent on the cross. I like the Disciples had to go it alone for a time. Just like the Disciples at times I was scared, confused and fearful.

Yet lets finish the story. We left off with Jesus hanging helplessly on the cross His disciples scared and hiding. What did Jesus tell them to do? He told them to Tarry, to wait. Jesus knew the confusion they would face but He also knew He would be raised from the dead and return to them. And when He saw them again He knew all He had told them would become clear.

Now how does Christ look at us when we face a trail? When He sees us scared and doubting when we think He is not there or does not hear us. When we think this world is greater then the God we serve. I think He feels the same towards us as He did His disciples. He looks down and wants us to remember all He said and all He as done. I think He wants to tell us to wait. The victory will come.

Lord Give me the patience and strength to wait. To know You hear me and to know You will come. Father I ask you to send the Holy Spirit to give us comfort. I pray we will keep our hearts and minds on you lord and not cancer. I pray we will not be distracted from the truth you have shown us. May we serve you Lord faithfully, from the pit and from the mountain top.