I wrote this journal entry on July 13th 2006.
Yesterday Andrea's Tumor maker came back. It was up again, from 198 to 257. Again not what we had hoped for but we press on.
Monday Andrea and I gave a talk at a local church. Anyway it was such an encouragement to share all God has done for us. Sometimes you forget and then you have the chance to share your story and you realize all God has done. We spoke for over an hour and we hardly scratched the surface of all God has done. What I remember the most was after we spoke they prayed over us, in a circle, with their hands on us. One woman prayed a simple prayer, "Thank you Lord for this night, this is just what I needed to hear." That was it. I knew she was the reason we were there.
Then last night after hearing the tumor marker had gone up we went to Wednesday night service at our church. What a service and time of worship! No sermon was preached, just the Holy Spirit moving in the room. God's answered to the tumor marker.
After getting the tumor marker I have to admit there was a wave of panic, regret worry and fear that came over Andrea and I. Panic as I thought I hope this does not mean that I think it might. Regret that more chemo was in Andrea's future and we are not as close to finishing as we hoped and prayed for. Worry about all of it. Fear about losing Andrea.
Then I read Matthew 8: 23-27, Mark 4:35-41 and Luke 8:22-25. These are all accounts of the same story.
Monday Andrea and I gave a talk at a local church. Anyway it was such an encouragement to share all God has done for us. Sometimes you forget and then you have the chance to share your story and you realize all God has done. We spoke for over an hour and we hardly scratched the surface of all God has done. What I remember the most was after we spoke they prayed over us, in a circle, with their hands on us. One woman prayed a simple prayer, "Thank you Lord for this night, this is just what I needed to hear." That was it. I knew she was the reason we were there.
Then last night after hearing the tumor marker had gone up we went to Wednesday night service at our church. What a service and time of worship! No sermon was preached, just the Holy Spirit moving in the room. God's answered to the tumor marker.
After getting the tumor marker I have to admit there was a wave of panic, regret worry and fear that came over Andrea and I. Panic as I thought I hope this does not mean that I think it might. Regret that more chemo was in Andrea's future and we are not as close to finishing as we hoped and prayed for. Worry about all of it. Fear about losing Andrea.
Then I read Matthew 8: 23-27, Mark 4:35-41 and Luke 8:22-25. These are all accounts of the same story.
Matthew 8:23-27
23Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. 24Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. 25The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"
26He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
27The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!"
I felt like I was just like the disciples running to the back of the boat in a panic hollering, "Lord don't you care Andrea is dying?"
The tumor marker was my storm and it's waves were covering me. The boat was all that protected the disciples from the sea. But the storm was greater then the capabilities of the boat, and so they feared. I think God planned it so they would be in the boat during the storm. I think He wanted them to be aware of how fragile there source of protection was. It was just some wood separating them from death, from the sea which represented something greater then themselves. Their only source of strength was the boat or Jesus. It was so easy to remove the illusion of safety the boat provided. It only took a storm. And thus Jesus was provided a opportunity to revel His power. whether Jesus caused the storm or just knew about it does not matter, He used it for His glory.
Wednesday I saw the frailty in myself and I saw God as my only source of protection, so I ran to Him. What I noticed about this story in Matthew and in my life was what Jesus did not say. He did not say:
Don't worry will make it.
Trust me it will be okay because I'm an experienced captain.
Don't worry we are in the finest boat made. Constructed out of the finest wood.
Don't worry if we all bail fast enough we won't sink.
Nor did He say abandon ship.
What Jesus did say was, "You of little faith, why do you worry?" Why wouldn't I worry?
As I read this story I heard those words as if they were spoken to me. And I knew I should not worry because Jesus was in control. Jesus did not call the Disciples to die on the lake. They had a mission, God's will and it was to spread the Gospel. This storm no matter how great could not sink this boat. The physical world around them told them the boat should break apart and sink. But God is not tied to the physical laws of this world. Everything we have heard tells us Andrea will die, that our storm will sink our boat. But then I remembered every miracle Christ did showed He was not bound to the laws of this world. Giving sight, raising the dead, healing lepers, have the lame walk were all impossible in human terms. Hence a miracle. So why do we worry? It seems like a logical question. God is on our side and He created everything, the sea, the land, the stars and the sky and Andrea.
So Jesus did what He does, He calmed the storm. Not just a clam but it was "completely calm." The exact opposite of the "Furious storm." So on Wednesday I ran to the back of my boat to inform God what was going on just in case He did not realize how serious the situation was, maybe He had missed the tumor marker or maybe the last CT scan escaped Him. Then I was reminded of who I serve. A tumor marker is not greater then the God I serve.
And then a funny thing happened, there was a great calm. Then we went to church and marveled at how great our God is.
The tumor marker was my storm and it's waves were covering me. The boat was all that protected the disciples from the sea. But the storm was greater then the capabilities of the boat, and so they feared. I think God planned it so they would be in the boat during the storm. I think He wanted them to be aware of how fragile there source of protection was. It was just some wood separating them from death, from the sea which represented something greater then themselves. Their only source of strength was the boat or Jesus. It was so easy to remove the illusion of safety the boat provided. It only took a storm. And thus Jesus was provided a opportunity to revel His power. whether Jesus caused the storm or just knew about it does not matter, He used it for His glory.
Wednesday I saw the frailty in myself and I saw God as my only source of protection, so I ran to Him. What I noticed about this story in Matthew and in my life was what Jesus did not say. He did not say:
Don't worry will make it.
Trust me it will be okay because I'm an experienced captain.
Don't worry we are in the finest boat made. Constructed out of the finest wood.
Don't worry if we all bail fast enough we won't sink.
Nor did He say abandon ship.
What Jesus did say was, "You of little faith, why do you worry?" Why wouldn't I worry?
As I read this story I heard those words as if they were spoken to me. And I knew I should not worry because Jesus was in control. Jesus did not call the Disciples to die on the lake. They had a mission, God's will and it was to spread the Gospel. This storm no matter how great could not sink this boat. The physical world around them told them the boat should break apart and sink. But God is not tied to the physical laws of this world. Everything we have heard tells us Andrea will die, that our storm will sink our boat. But then I remembered every miracle Christ did showed He was not bound to the laws of this world. Giving sight, raising the dead, healing lepers, have the lame walk were all impossible in human terms. Hence a miracle. So why do we worry? It seems like a logical question. God is on our side and He created everything, the sea, the land, the stars and the sky and Andrea.
So Jesus did what He does, He calmed the storm. Not just a clam but it was "completely calm." The exact opposite of the "Furious storm." So on Wednesday I ran to the back of my boat to inform God what was going on just in case He did not realize how serious the situation was, maybe He had missed the tumor marker or maybe the last CT scan escaped Him. Then I was reminded of who I serve. A tumor marker is not greater then the God I serve.
And then a funny thing happened, there was a great calm. Then we went to church and marveled at how great our God is.
No comments:
Post a Comment