Our Journey to Healing: Heavy and Tired

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Heavy and Tired

I wrote this journal entry on Nov 22nd 2006 while Andrea and I waited an appointment with Dr. Atkins. Sometimes I forget how tired I was, then I read this and I remember.

It has been a long ten days since I have written in my journal. For some reason I'm tired. I'm tired of seeing Andrea sick. I'm tired of seeing her take chemo. I'm tired of driving to this office. I'm tired of running at 100%. Spiritually I'm weary. I'm tired of seeing sick people. I'm tired of my wife being one of them. I'm tired of thinking about death. I know what I need to do I'm just too tired to do it.

I don't think I'm doubting, I just feel tired and the longer we wait the longer the race becomes and the more strength I need. I just want to lay down. I just wish I could quit for a little bit.

Cancer is just so much a part of our life, it is all consuming and I need a break. I need to hear some good news, to see and know there is hope, that the end of all this is near. If I knew we had to run 26 miles then I could pace myself to finish. But cancer treatment is an open ended race and I don't know how to pace myself. We could be one day or one year from healing. In my mind I hope for the one day. Then when I see that is not going to happen I have to reset my expectations. Days turn into weeks and into months and there is no end in sight. There has been few physical revelations of when this will end. Most indications point to a longer race or an outcome I do not desire. Spiritually it has been an uplifting journey and we feel strengthened by God's grace. But if Andrea is going to be healed it has to show in the physical at some point. I guess I could say, "It could be worse." And maybe we are seeing many physical blessings then I realize.

Well our appointment is over and there was no news from the doctor today. Andrea's tumor marker was up but not too bad. Looks like we have to do CT scans a little sooner then expected to confirm what is causing the rise in her marker. That means three more weeks of waiting for news. Lord give me strength. I have none left and I don't know how to get any more.

1 comment:

gina marieMarch 16, 2008 at 7:05 PM
I remember Andrea asking us to pray for you then. You ran that race so beautifully, Jim. What an inspiration you were to anyone you came in contact with. I am so sad that the end wasn't how any of us expected it to be. But what a blessing to look back and not have regrets. Andrea suffers no more...she is completely restored.
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About Us

This blog began as as an account of Andrea's and my journey though breast cancer and her eventual death. My intention was to chronicle our experiences from sickness to physical healing but God revealed His plan was beyond the mere physical. I have continued to experience healing in my life and now God has opened a door to a new chapter in my life. This journey has not ended but has transformed into a new normal and the hope of a new beginning

My monthly updates, which grew into this blog, reached an Air Force pilot's wife in Jan 2007 who had lost her husband two months prior. Her name is Ginger and her husband's name was Troy. Through this tragic bond developed a friendship. And now, through marriage, God has merged all of our journies to healing. This blog is a compilation of these four lives; two sadly taken and two left behind. In this common grief God has given Ginger and I a desire to journal our experiences as therapy for our pain and a source of encouragement to others who face life's most enormous challenges

Andrea was diagnosed with stage II breast cancer in Aug 2003 while we were stationed in Anchorage Alaska. After 6 months of chemo and radiation we moved to Washington DC. In June 2005 we moved again to Seymour Johnson AFB in NC. Two weeks later Andrea was told the pain in her hip was breast cancer that had spread to her bones. Two weeks later we were told the cancer was also in her liver and lungs. July 5th 2005 Andrea began chemo treatment. On Dec 17th 2007 Andrea lost her fight with cancer but won her place in eternity.

Troy was a loving father of 5 children, and like Andrea was a
faithful servant of Christ. Troy was an F-16 pilot who volunteered to serve in Iraq. He deployed in Sept 2006. One day during his tour there he was tasked to provide close air support to a special operations unit who had come under overwhelming enemy fire. In an attempt to limit civilian causalities Troy made two low level passes employing the gun from his F-16. After a successful first pass Troy attempted a second pass to ensure the safety of the American soldiers. It was during this pass that Troy's F-16 impacted the ground. On Nov 27th 2006, Troy lost the fight in Iraq and that day won his place in eternity.

This blog is about our experiences, what God has taught us and most importantly about God's faithfulness. It is about dealing with life with cancer and life after cancer. It is about dealing with the sudden tragic loss of a spouse. It is about death and life and the deep grieving and growing process we are going through. It is about our victories and our struggles. But always it is about God's unfailing love for us.

We write this blog to tell you what the Lord has placed on our hearts or simply our feelings at the moment in hopes that this helps you understand what we are going through as well as give you encouragement as you face trials in your own life.

Some writings will be from Jim, some will be from Ginger, some from both of us. Some are writings that express Andrea and Troy's faith and impact during their short lives on this earth.

With thankfulness to Christ,
Jim and Ginger

Psalm 91

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, 6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you make the Most High your dwelling—even the LORD, who is my refuge-
then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

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Heavy and Tired

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