It has been a long ten days since I have written in my journal. For some reason I'm tired. I'm tired of seeing Andrea sick. I'm tired of seeing her take chemo. I'm tired of driving to this office. I'm tired of running at 100%. Spiritually I'm weary. I'm tired of seeing sick people. I'm tired of my wife being one of them. I'm tired of thinking about death. I know what I need to do I'm just too tired to do it.
I don't think I'm doubting, I just feel tired and the longer we wait the longer the race becomes and the more strength I need. I just want to lay down. I just wish I could quit for a little bit.
Cancer is just so much a part of our life, it is all consuming and I need a break. I need to hear some good news, to see and know there is hope, that the end of all this is near. If I knew we had to run 26 miles then I could pace myself to finish. But cancer treatment is an open ended race and I don't know how to pace myself. We could be one day or one year from healing. In my mind I hope for the one day. Then when I see that is not going to happen I have to reset my expectations. Days turn into weeks and into months and there is no end in sight. There has been few physical revelations of when this will end. Most indications point to a longer race or an outcome I do not desire. Spiritually it has been an uplifting journey and we feel strengthened by God's grace. But if Andrea is going to be healed it has to show in the physical at some point. I guess I could say, "It could be worse." And maybe we are seeing many physical blessings then I realize.
Well our appointment is over and there was no news from the doctor today. Andrea's tumor marker was up but not too bad. Looks like we have to do CT scans a little sooner then expected to confirm what is causing the rise in her marker. That means three more weeks of waiting for news. Lord give me strength. I have none left and I don't know how to get any more.