To and Fro

Tossed to and fro

Acceptance and sadness
Faith and humanness
I seek comfort in memories but find only pain
Pictures that drain my happiness
A smile that still calls to me
I strain to hear her voice in the silence
Our life, our dreams, our hopes linger in my mind
What was my greatest joy is now my deepest pain
I want to remember but find it offers no relief
Memories only bring sadness

I miss my wife
I miss her smile and her laugh
I miss her comfort
I miss the calming touch of her hand
I miss her strength
I miss talking about life
I miss her love for me

I miss my life
I miss the strain of fighting cancer
I miss holding hands in the chemo room
I miss taking care of my wife
I miss being her strength on a difficult day

I miss her optimism
I wonder between loneliness and happiness
Life has lost its certainty
No longer innocent
I miss the simplicity of living without fear
Knowing strips away my protection

Her grave crushes me
The thought of my love there
How can it be?
So real yet so unbelievable
It forces me to acknowledge my life
It offers no gentleness
Its harshness brings me to my knees
I’m powerless against the sight of the tombstone
The grass, the dirt, the thought of it all
What happened to my life?

We could face any challenge together
Her faith for me when I had none, mine for her
Never weak at the same time we were stronger together
We were complete in each other

How did I not see this coming?
How could I have missed the pain I now face?
How did I live so close to this reality?
How did I find joy in my life?

I’m sacred
Scared to live
Scared of what I don’t know
Scared of pain
Scared of death coming back
Scared I don’t have the faith

A pain that makes life itself unbearable
There is no escape
Before lays a path that will not be easy
I take one difficult step after another
I find pain I did not see
I find help I did not expect

I long for this to end
But time does not answer to me
Healing does not come quickly
I have no choice but to suffer and wait
For time to pass and the edges to soften
Others tell me time will heal
I love her, yet I need to escape her memory
To come to grips that she is gone, never to return
To know this is not a dream
I can not change my life
There is no wish, no prayer that can make it go away
It is my life and I must deal with it
So I wait for the pain to ease
I drift between moments of living again and moments of intense pain
I’m tossed to and fro
I wait to drift past the turmoil of life
For the waters to calm and life to return to normal
Knowing normal is forever redefined for me