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Sunday, January 6, 2008

A letter To My Wife

Hello love of my life,

I hope you are doing well and enjoying life in paradise. I sure miss you here. All your friends do as well. We talk about you often, how you made such a difference in all our lives. You would love to hear the stories of how you impacted those around you. I would tell you the stories but I guess you know them better then I. I think you would be surprised how much you meant to so many because I know you never thought of yourself as anything special. But you were. You truly were. Actually I wish you could tell me about your life. Like the song says, "I can only imagine." You were the best, I kept trying to tell you that.

I have missed you so much. No I have not been sleeping well, It is 3am I tend to stay up until I collapse. I just miss you next to me at night. I miss wrapping my arm around you or feeling your leg over mine. I have stuff piled on your side of the bed for some reason. Maybe to just keep me from feeling the other half of the bed is empty. Who knows. I just miss your smile when I come home. I miss seeing you period. I miss the gentle touch of your hand on mine. I miss the love I felt when I looked into your eyes. I miss how you adored me in your words. I miss sitting in our chair and holding you, your head on my chest. I miss you falling asleep in my arms and having to wake you and tell you it is time for bed. I miss how you would look at me surprised that you had fallen asleep and I would tell you it's okay. You would smile, embarrassed that you had not made it to the end of the movie. I miss being your strength when you were weak, your joy when you were sad and your hope when you were discouraged. I miss you for helping my faith when I did not understand, my confidence when I was scared, and my love when I felt unworthy. I miss how we made each other complete. I miss how we were one. I miss every bit of our life together. You were my best friend. I miss our Bible study together. I'm sorry we did not finish our last one. I should have done more with you. I have started a new Bible study. No surprise it is on grief. It is called "Trusting God even when life hurts." Ginger and I are reading it. It helps as we both deal with loss. I sorry I'm having to read it but I am. I need to build my faith in this time of my life. Funny my friends that help me are also widowers and each of them knew us from our past. Rick, JD, and Ginger each offer to help me understand what 'm going through. It helps to talk to others who have gone through this. I'm thankful to them because they are willing to come back to a time of pain in their life to help me. I know God will use all this pain I just don't know how yet but I can't wait to see it unfold before my eyes.

The boys and I are fine, well as good as we can be. We think of you all day. Nic got his internship he had hoped for. He is going to be a fine young man and husband. You would be so proud of Anthony, his words to you were spoken out of love. You did a great job as their mother. I thank you and I want to say thank you for their spouses. They will be blessed by how you loved the boys. You taught them well. We try hard to live life as you did. I know that is what you would have wanted. But you know it is not easy some times. Thankfully we have been blessed to have so many people helping us. It is an expression of how much people loved you. Gina and Diane have talked me into running for therapy. I have agreed to try to run a half marathon. Can you believe that? I didn't think so. I hope walking is allowed! I'm doing it for you, they say it is a nice time to think about you and pray. That part sounds nice. Don't worry, as if you could, I will be okay. I carry you in my memory and you are still a part of me and always will be.

I started back to work this week. I have a lot of trips upcoming some for work some for pleasure. I'm going to NC to see everyone and then I'm going to visit the Duvall's next month. Work has not been easy but I have to tell you, it is your witness to me during your sickness that I have fallen back on. I want to thank you for your faith, a faith lived out before my eyes. If I could ask you one question it would be, "How did you do it?" "How did you lay in that bed for 22 days?" So physically weak yet such a mountain of strength. I was amazed when I would watch you barely able to lift your hand, yet you never complained. You were humble in your witness, but I have to tell you, you changed lives of those who came in contact with you, as you always did. You stretched out your arms when Christ asked you, and in doing so God was glorified. I know that is what you would have wanted. I know you are happy for us all. You must have an impressive crown of glory. I can't wait to see it.

Thank you for leaving us with the peace of not having to ask why. Your faith in God and absolute trust in Him no matter what is what gives me the strength to get up each day. It is your faith that allows me to think about living. I know life will go on because I saw you believe despite the odds. When I get discouraged I think of you and how you lived. You still give me comfort and strength. You were a truly amazing woman. You honored me by being my wife. I know I have told you that before but I had to say it again. I just want you to know what you mean to me. How much you changed my life when you looked over at me on April 19th 1980. Thank you for your unfailing love and devotion to making my dreams come true, even the ones I did not know I had.

I hope I make you proud and that God will find me worthy to serve Him as you did. That I will take the gift of faith you passed on to me and the boys and use it for God's glory. There is no good way to end this letter. So I guess I will close by just saying thanks. Thanks for showing me what love feels like, what faith looks like, what happiness means, but most of all thank you for showing me who God is. I will miss you Jokie.

We all love you and miss your smile in our life. Have a great day and I will see you in a little bit.

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