In Need of A Routine

Hard to believe Andrea went into the hospital over one month ago. My initial thought after her passing is that it is nothing like I thought it would be. I’m sure I could say this every time I write as I just don’t know what to expect. To my surprise it has been random events that have proven the toughest not the ones I had braced for. I had readied myself for the first night in our room but really I had been alone in the house for three weeks already. It has been seemingly insignificant things, but they trigger a flood of emotions. Her toothbrush, a song, or unexpectedly seeing something from our past. As if you put on your armor and ready for the attack and the enemy strikes that one spot you have uncovered. And you think how did he know that spot was uncovered!

The other thing is that even though I feel I have adjusted to Andrea being gone at times it seems crazy to think she is actually gone. Even writing this seems a little unreal. Is she just away? Like I have to go to the hospital and visit her in the morning. Or call and see how she is sleeping before I turn out my light. Then I think about tomorrow. My first day at church without her and I’m thrown back into reality. I always held her at church. I always carried the Bible for us to share, handed her a pin to take notes and collected the pages when she was done. We always touched when we prayed. We just felt connected that way. I won’t know what to do with my hands tomorrow in church. I will feel like everyone is staring at me. Or I will be asked an innocent question I can’t answer without telling the whole story making them feel uncomfortable.

Tomorrow the boys and I are going to clean the house, time to put away some reminders and start a new routine. Clean up some things that were set up for after the funeral. I’m hoping that will be a good step towards recovery. I have to get over the guilty feeling of putting away Andrea’s things. As if it will become real if I take that step. Monday I will go into work for a little. I hope that will help me feel like life is a little more “normal.” Little by little, I adjust to my new life. Like I said not what I wanted but what I have been given.

Now the days run into one another and I loose track if it is the weekend or a weekday. I wonder where the time goes. I don’t seem to do anything all day yet I have no time to do anything. I just keep looking around and seeing everything I need to do, and not doing one of them. I have no desire to start anything but I need to start if I’m ever going to get through this. I think it is hard because I have no routine. Everything about my life involved Andrea. Not only was she who I was but she was what I did. My day involved my work and coming home to take Andrea to lunch. I would find her just getting out of bed or if it was a nice day she would be sitting on the porch reading. I would get her out of the house so she could feel the sun on her face or just to have some time away from the sofa. Otherwise the only other reason we went out was to one of the endless doctor appointments we had, church or the commissary. Now that I have returned home I’m reminded that I have no routine. Andrea had been my reason for living. Cancer drove every decision we had, it controlled our every plan. I was always planning Andrea’s treatment, keeping track of her pills or appointments. I guess I did not realize how much of my life cancer consumed. I spent the last four years and five months fighting for Andrea. Now I have nothing to do. No one to fight for. It is a strange side effect of losing her.I guess just one of many I will come to realize.

Thanks to all of you who have sent me your stories of Andrea. I love them! More purpose in it all.

If you are in North Carolina in Jan, the plan is to have a memorial service for Andrea on Saturday,19 Jan at 11am. I will post more info when it is finalized.

Well I'm falling asleep as I type. That is my sign to turn out the light. Another day done, but sadness at another day further away from Andrea, but one day closer to being with her is heaven. I hope she is enjoying her time, I bet she looks good with her crown on and the feeling of a deep breath in her lungs. I wish I knew a little of what she knows now. Maybe she could whisper a secret in my ear.

Before I forget, did I tell you I had my first dream about Andrea? She was sitting across from me at a table. She was finishing reading something and she looked up and said, "No wonder I love you so much." Then she got up I thought she is coming over to give me a hug and a kiss but I woke up before she got to me. It was nice to see her again. She had her hair back, it was blonde and down to her shoulders. Best of all she was smiling at me. That gentle I love you smile.

Have a great day Andrea, enjoy all that you see right now. You are far better off then I. I wish I could feel you next to me at church tomorrow and hold your hand. In a little bit I will join you in praise and I will hold your hand again. Promise.